relationship building

How to Support Your Daughter When She Has Her First Period

tony — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 18:13:55 -0800

Ahh, springtime. Your daughter is growing up, climbing in height, softening around the edges and quickly discarding the child and baby you once knew. She is becoming a woman, and there's nothing you can do about it. She can't be your little girl forever.

As a father, it is understandably difficult, if not downright impossible, to understand what she's going through. Let's face it -- we're men. Puberty for us meant a deeper voice, a growth spurt and some hair. All pluses. Girls started to look a little cuter to us during puberty, as well. Another plus.

For girls, though, puberty is a universally different milestone. Society has placed the impetus on women to be beautiful -- not men -- and it is ironically during this time in their lives that girls begin to understand this more and more. As puberty progresses, young girls grow into the women they will become, and they learn to reconcile their body image with our cultural expectations of the "perfect woman." It is a tremendously fragile and self-conscious journey, and men are not equipped to understand or deal with it.

Your daughter will probably start to show signs of puberty at around 10 years old, although it can happen anywhere between the ages of 8 and 12, generally. The beginning of female puberty is known as thelarche, and it is characterized by the development of breasts. Around 18 months later she will begin to grow underarm and pubic hair, and then in another six months or so she'll begin menarche -- her first period.

Of course, as her father you won't know when she gets her first period unless she tells you. It's not necessarily apparent, although there may be some warning signs. All girls experience menstruation differently, and some girls take it harder than others. You daughter may experience flu-like symptoms, such as headache, backache, sore legs and nausea. The most common symptoms, of course, are cramping and discharge.

This is not something your daughter will want to discuss with her dad. Likewise, it's probably a decent bet that you're not really all that interested in discussing it with her, either. In situations like these, it's best to call in the wife. As a father you can certainly take a role in her development, but only if you're asked to. Otherwise, you can really only be supportive of her -- by understanding that she's changing, and by being sensitive to her moods and her needs. It's a strange job, and you may find yourself in over your head, but it's the easiest way for all involved.

For the single father, however, ducking out isn't always an option. With no wife to turn to, you may start to feel a little bit like a deer in the headlights. You haven't the slightest idea what you're going to do -- how can you even approach your daughter with something like this?

Find a woman -- Your best bet, in all honesty, is to find a woman who can help. Your mother is an easy first choice, as are any female relatives. In the absence of family, choose a close female friend to help. Even an ex-girlfriend who you are on good terms with would work. You can learn as much as you want about menstruation and cramping and pubic hair growth, but none of that is going to help you when your daughter needs to apply her first Tampax. You need a woman.
Brush up -- Where experience isn't possible, we can only rely on knowledge. That is to say, it's time for Menstruation 101. In all likelihood you won't even need this stuff, because your daughter will have already learned it in school or on the Internet. Even if you do need to tell her what it is, you'll probably be so nervous you can't finish. Still, it doesn't hurt to get to know your enemy. These two articles (here and here) will give you everything you need to know.
Point her in the right direction -- If your daughter inexplicably doesn't know the first thing about menstruation, it's going to fall on you to teach her. Rather than put yourself through the embarrassment of discussing it with her, you can help her find some information. Web sites like DotGirlProducts.com and Tampax.com have lots of information on puberty and menstruation, and some even have testimonials from other girls about their first times.
Don't make her feel weird -- Some websites discuss throwing menarche parties for your daughter's first period, with jewelry and dancing and female friends and other girl stuff. DO NOT DO THIS. This is the territory of the girl's mother or your chosen symbolic menstruation instructor -- not her father. In other departments, don't embarrass her in front of her friends, try to avoid making references to her being a child or otherwise underdeveloped, and don't make her feel ugly ... ever.
Take her out sometime -- Sometimes it's best to just go out and have fun and not worry about it. Let her know that you want to take her out and do something with her, whatever she likes. Make a daddy-daughter date out of it, with dinner and a movie, if you like. Talk about innocuous things and just generally enjoy your daughter's presence. She'll enjoy it, as well, and she'll appreciate the gesture.

You're in enemy territory here, and it's okay to be scared. If you've got a good wife on your side, however, you've got nothing to worry about. If you're stuck out here on your own, this may be more of a problem. Stick it out, however, and just keep one thing in mind: your daughter is becoming a woman. That means she's still part little girl, and you better enjoy it while it lasts.

Mother's Day, Recession Style

Philmundo — Fri, 08 May 2009 07:52:39 -0700

by Phil Stott

So in case you hadn't noticed the barrage of commercials, it's Mother's Day this Sunday. And, despite Fed Chairman Bernanke's encouraging words about the state of the economy this week , there's still a recession on. Given that, it seems unlikely that Mom will be on the receiving end of a new luxury SUV or flashy piece of jewelry come Sunday, but there's no reason that frugality has to cancel out fun all together. Here, then, are five ways to ensure Mom feels special this weekend, without breaking the bank (or resorting to flowers or chocolates). And remember, as dads, for many of us that means two sets of gifts-the ones for our own moms, and the mothers of our children.

Get the kids involved

OK, so it's not going to save a ton of cash, but having your kids make something for Mom makes the day that much more special-especially if there's evidence that you've spent time and effort helping them to do it. There are some great ideas for do it at home presents on the internet (like these, or these), but even if you're not that handy, anyone can supervise a child making a card. And a couple of glue sticks, some card and some glitter will probably only set you back what you would've paid for Hallmark anyway.

Do it yourself

Staying on the homemade front, making a nice meal is a great alternative to splurging in a restaurant. No use in the kitchen? No worries. If you can't find something among this bunch that you can cope with, there's always, uh, salad. To make it even more relaxing for Mom, send her to the bathroom for an hour while you get busy with the pots and knives.

Enjoy the great outdoors

So you might need the weather to cooperate, but there's no reason to sit home all day on Mother's Day. Plan a family trip to a nearby park or nature reserve. Maybe even pack a picnic and make a day of it. Just try not to put the stress of getting ready on her-get the kids and the food ready yourself, and make sure you've got a rainout plan in reserve.

The next best thing to being there

This one's for the grandmas that don't live right down the block (or for parents who might be away from home on the big day). For those that haven't tapped into the wonders of modern communication yet, give the gift of a webcam. Decent ones can be had for less than $40, but that's your only outlay thanks to Skype (assuming the person you're giving it to already has a computer). Even if you have to spend an hour on the phone talking a technophobic relative through the set-up, there's nothing like being able to see your loved ones on a special occasion, even if it's only on screen. And it's a gift that keeps on giving all year long.

If you must get a gift...

...get something she needs. I know, special days are supposed to be about spoiling people, but here's a newsflash: 2009 is not the year of the luxury purchase. If there's some kind of home project you've been putting off, consider making that her "gift". A piece of furniture you desperately need or an essential item of clothing she's been talking about needing? All of those are decent alternatives to dropping a bundle of cash on something that you'll either consume, set on a shelf, or haul out once or twice a year at most. And bear in mind: if you do have something you desperately need as a family, splurging on something else won't make it go away. Not that you shouldn't spend your money exactly as you please; it's just that the pressure of gift-giving can sometimes be overwhelming, and it helps to remember that paying for a much-needed tune-up for the car can be every bit as much a gift as a diamond-even if you can't wear it.

Whatever else you do on Mother's Day-if indeed you acknowledge it at all-bear in mind that it's a day about families, and doesn't have to be about gifts. One final word of advice, though: if you're not planning on doing anything, it might be an idea to tell her first!

"Village" Life Disappearing?

Philmundo — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 07:08:14 -0700

by Phil Stott

So the Stott family are just back from exactly the kind of vacation I needed: lots of time spent on the couch; my parents, brother and sisters more or less fighting over who'd get to look after Maeve (freeing me up for more couch-time); and plenty of soccer on TV (well, it was Scotland, after all, although I'd get lynched for calling it anything but fitba' there). In light of all that, I'd expected to come back to work feeling refreshed, relaxed, re-just-about-everythinged, in fact. So why do I feel so bummed out?

Apart from the obvious answers of jetlag (exacerbated by Maeve's refusal to sleep en route), and the inevitable post-vacation comedown, there's another factor that's weighing heavily. Loosely summed up, it's to do with missing my family. Not in the pining for home kind of way-I've been away for long enough that that's not really a factor anymore-but rather for the idea of raising Maeve within a community, surrounded by an extended family.

It takes a village ...

If being in Scotland recently has taught me anything, it's that the concept of it taking a village to raise a child is greatly underestimated-especially in this day and age. Living around a thousand miles from our nearest relatives, my wife and I haven't necessarily missed having anyone around to help out with Maeve-but only in the sense that you can't really miss what you've never had. Having just spent a week at home with one half of her extended family, I've come to realize just how important it is for Maeve to know her relatives as she grows up.

Just to clarify (in case my parents are reading!), I'm not just talking about having people around to dump Maeve on when we feel like a break (as if we would!). No, what I'm trying to get at is that whole concept of having a community of people to look out for her, and who can give her attention and teach her things even when we don't have the time or energy. In just one week with her relatives, Maeve's vocabulary absolutely exploded, along with her willingness to actually use it. It also highlighted that Meghan and I had kind of fallen into a system where Maeve pointed and grunted at things while we did our best to interpret, continually coming up with suggestions until we guessed the right answer. My parents (veterans of five kids) refused to partake in the game, and exposed something we hadn't realized about Maeve-she knows the words but is often too lazy to use them!

That's exactly the kind of thing I'm realizing we're missing (and that isn't available even in places like daycare, where there are always other kids for the carers to worry about)-the opportunity for someone else to bring something out of your kid that might not otherwise have emerged just because of the routine you're used to.

... but not a global one

All told, it's little wonder that I'm feeling more than a little bummed after this vacation, what with the return to reality being made that much harder by the increased realization that we're kind of on our own out here in New York. And yet, we're not alone, if you get my drift. With people relocating all over the globe for work, it seems like the concept of traditional communities is breaking down all over the place. While there are positive sides to being a global citizen, I worry about Maeve not having the kind of roots that my wife and I both take for granted, or the opportunity to really get to know her family or where they come from. While I'm sure we'll all adapt to it-just as we've been adapting, as a society, for generations-I can't quite help but wonder what else we're losing as that concept of the village disappears. The global village might be a great place to find fulfillment on one level, but it sure can't raise a child like a local one can.

From a Savvy Mommy

tony — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 07:57:04 -0700

by Tony Chen

After putting up my "Mad at Dad" response, I had a great email conversation with a savvy mommy. Get a glimpse of what her life is like below. Even when savvy mommies are married to savvy daddies, life is messy and crazy.

They say that there's 3 sides to every story - his side, her side, and the truth. Sometimes, it's good to hear her side so that maybe down the road, that 3rd side becomes clearer, too.

Without further ado...A day in the life of a savvy mommy.

What's interesting is that when I passed the article link on to my girlfriends, all of them responded that they, too, could commiserate to some degree with what the moms in the article were saying. And it's not like my friends (or I, for that matter) are married to bonehead losers. We are all married to highly-educated, successful, and responsible men who, above all, love their families. And we love our husbands immensely.

My husband and I were actually discussing the article this morning. He noted the other day just how stressed out I have been lately. I run my own business and work from home. We have three children (10, 5, 3). Our son is special needs and, to put it mildly, high-maintenance. My husband travels frequently, at least every other week, so I am often alone.

My day begins at 5:00. I need an hour to shower, feed the cats, make coffee, prepare lunches and start waking up the kids. By the time I wake up my husband at 6:40, I have awoken, fed and dressed the kids. When he wakes up, he prepares a cup of coffee and watches the morning news. On Monday/Wednesday/Friday, he walks the two older kids to the bus stop at 7:15. He then spends 45 minutes working out while I get myself and our preschooler ready for the day. He eats breakfast and gets on the computer while I take our youngest to preschool. I then rush back and have roughly 2.5 hours to work without interruption (except on Monday, when she doesn't go to preschool). I pick her up at noon and then come home to feed her lunch, wash the dishes, do laundry, tidy the house and (hopefully) get a little work done before my older kids come home at 2:15. Then it's snacks, homework, play time, mediating fights (lots of them), more tidying, errands, (hopefully) a little more work, preparing dinner. My husband comes home at 5:30, and we eat together. He then either gets on the computer or goes to his "room" to play his guitars. Meanwhile, I'm cleaning up the kitchen, getting kids bathed, mediating more fights, finishing up homework and (hopeully) getting a little more work done. At 7:30, he reads a bedtime story to our son while I begin the arduous process of getting the youngest in bed. Thankfully, our oldest goes to bed on her own and reads. By 9:00, all kids are in bed and he's watching television. Me? I've still got work to complete. This is a typical day.

Now, I also balance the checkbook, take the kids to doctors appts, schedule meetings and appts for our son, volunteer at my daughter's preschool, tend to our vegetable garden, clean the bathroom, mop the floors, take out the trash and perform other menial household tasks. I also clean the two bathrooms every weekend at the preschool as a "family duty". And I do all grocery shopping. And banking.

Granted, my husband does mow the grass, vacuum, and clean out the gutters. He is also on the board at our daughter's preschool (which is a 2x a month obligation).

But, he wouldn't know how to install a carseat or give our kids medication. In fact, he won't make any kid-related decisions without deferring to me. For instance, he took our two youngest on an errand the other day and called to ask me A) if it was okay to buy them each a pair of new sneakers and B) what size shoes they wear (even though they were right there with him - he could have measured their feet). And when my husband was helping our daughter with her math homework last night, he had me check it to make sure it was correct! I'm the one who worries about if the kids are dressed warmly enough or if they've had enough breakfast to eat. I make sure the plants get watered and the windows get cleaned. I think about who in our family is having an upcoming birthday and if I need to call or send a card.

Just like one of the moms in the article stated, I feel I am multi-tasking so many things and projects and am carrying around so much extra "stuff" in my head. My chest literally hurts (and I am only 32 years old!)

I try not to begrudge my husband because, after 11 years, I realize this is just the way it is. I have accepted it. I don't like it, but I know there is little I can do to change things.

I don't think that women hate their husbands. Are we angry? Sometimes, yes. When my husband implied I should give up my business because "things" were slipping on the homefront, I got upset. My business, as stressful as it can be, is the one thing I have for myself. In the almost 10 years I have been a mom, I have never been away from ALL of my kids at the same time. Ever. I don't get a break. And even though my husband works while he travels, he is reprieved of all kid/home responsibilities for those few days each week.

I know I might come across as sounding really unhappy and angry. I'm not. If anything . . . I'm resigned. My husband is a really wonderful man, and I have a lot to be grateful for. I just wish he could share some of the "head" stuff, if that makes sense.

Why children need sports

Toby — Sun, 08 Feb 2009 05:53:12 -0800

Greetings dads, For those who have not seen the movie "Miracle," get it TODAY! My favorite scene is when Herb Brooks skates his boys to their knees and says this famous line: "When you pull on that jersey, remember the name on the front is a hell of a lot more important than the one on the back!" This is the lesson children, and their parents, will learn through sports. It does not matter your nationality, color, political party, or last name; to be a member of a team, one must be able to play and get along with those on the team. Children learn how to deal with winning and losing - lessons that seem to be vanishing to today's "I'm entitled" culture. Get your kids involved, you don't have to be the dad that coaches the team, but go to backyard, go to practice, go to the games. Sports do not only keep your kids healthy, sports develop their character. Cheers, Toby

Wonderful Cookbooks to Share

Toby — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 02:31:43 -0800

Greetings dads,
I have found 2 cookbooks that are not only fun for the kids, but the eats are good for us too. Check out: "Betty Crocker, Kids CooK!" I know, seeing Betty's name on here threw me off at first, but it has been a winner in my house (Yah smoothies), and I my Goddaughter raves as well. The 2nd is "DK Children's Cook Book, Quick and tasty recipes for young chefs." The Noodle soup with shrimp is a favorite! Betty Crocker is better for the littler ones in your fam and Children's Cook Book works for 8 and up.
Enjoy!
Cheers,
Toby

PS
Let me know if you would like some heads up on other cook books

Chef Dads

Man make fire, man feel manly

silly_sad_machine — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 08:08:02 -0800

By silly_sad_machine

My father kept a fire burning in an old iron woodstove during the winter to heat our house. We lived in very, very rural Oklahoma, and while we had electricity and (eventually) satellite TV, central heat and air was a novelty to which we had never been introduced.

My father woke early - always. He was up long before we were, and when he finally woke us to get ready for school the fire was already burning hot. My sister and I would rush down from our bitterly cold second-floor rooms and scramble to be the first in front of the woodstove's single blower.

When I was old enough my father put me to building fires. He showed me exactly how to do it, as well. You laid out two sticks of wood about a foot apart, and you stacked about four more sticks of wood across the first two. The effect was to make a little cubby to shove in paper, cardboard and other household tinder.

I built a lot of fires in that woodstove during my teenage years, and I always used my father's method. As far as I knew, it was the only way to build fires. But it was amazingly difficult to do. Paper burns hot, but it also burns fast. You could cram that little cubby so full that paper wads were bursting back out onto the floor, and you'd still only get about 20 seconds of good, hot flame. With sticks of wood that were easily as big around as a softball, 20 seconds wasn't good enough.

My father never had a problem with it, though. His hands were like magic in the stove. He'd carry in a load of wood, toss in some paper and there was your roaring fire, no questions asked. But I can remember countless times when I admitted defeat, unable to get the fire to start after several tries. These were no "Leave it to Beaver" moments, though, and my father didn't toss an arm over my shoulder and give me a heart-to-heart. Not being able to start a fire was a black mark against my manhood, and he let me know it. Although he didn't put it so seriously (way too sarcastic to be serious), these were the things a man did, and by God I needed to learn how to do them.

Today I'm building fires in my own fireplace (our woodstove has a stone hearth built around it ... much better than my father's). It was built by my grandfather when he built the house, and its giant presence forms the base of the house's support structure.

The presence of an iron grate on the floor of the stove, however, prevents me from using my father's method of starting fires. It had been some years since I'd really built one, and I suddenly had to adjust and find my own method. In doing so, I learned something very interesting.

My father's method for building fires sucked.

How could the man honestly believe that he was teaching me to build fires if he never taught me anything about kindling? Watch any survival show and you'll learn there are three keys to building a fire: tinder, kindling and fuel. The tinder catches the flame, the kindling stokes the flame and the fuel burns and puts out heat. My father's method involved wads of newspaper (tinder, I guess?) and gigantic sticks of just-seasoned wood. That's it. And yet, somehow, he pulled it off.

As it turns out I can build a pretty good fire too, and it doesn't take me 10 tries, either. Although my father didn't teach me a good method for actually stoking a fire, I think now that maybe that's not what he was trying to do. Maybe he wasn't really trying to do anything, but what he did do was give me a deep and abiding fondness for a roaring fire in a black iron fireplace. It makes me feel like a real father and a real man like nothing else I've done in my life, and burning a fire in our home is like rekindling the heart of our family's legacy.

No, there was no way he was aiming for that. I think he just wanted an excuse to call me a puss.

Literary tykes

Philmundo — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 18:36:22 -0700

By Phil Stott

At a little under a year old, it would appear that reading is already one of my daughter's favorite things to do. Well, not reading exactly, but she loves to turn the pages of her board books, and I'm finding that there's no surer way to settle her down after a crying jag, or for bedtime, than sitting down with her and paging through something like Goodnight Moon or The Very Hungry Caterpillar.

As a literature and history major in college, seeing her enthusiasm for flipping pages - and the attention she gives her favorite ones - is something that's deeply satisfying for me. I'm under no illusions: I know she's not comprehending much of what's in the books beyond learning some vocabulary to store up for when she starts talking, but it does make me wonder if there's any link between exposure to "reading" material at a young age and a love of books as an adult.

The difference between a journalist and someone who writes blogs is that that question would be a jumping-off point for a journalist - they'd be on the phone finding sources and investigating it for an answer to be published in an article with a headline like "10 things you MUST do to make your child a success". For this blogger, though, it's enough to wonder about a link and then to say, well, it doesn't matter - she enjoys "reading," I enjoy it, and we're going to continue to do it, regardless of whether it may be good for her at some unspecified point in the future or not. (That by the way, kind of sums up my approach to parenting - being informed enough to know what's harmful, feeding a balanced diet, and refusing to sweat the rest.)

To that end, then, I'd like to offer a handful of tips to bear in mind when reading with your child.

1) Any time's a good time for a book. They don't have to be stored up for bedtime, story time, or any other time. Having an appointed time or ritual for reading can make it seem like a special occasion (or a valued part of routine), but quite often putting a book in front of a child's face can be the something that works to please them when nothing else will.

2) Use your voice. Bedtime story? Try making your voice lower and softer as you near the end of it. Lots of characters? Don't be afraid to use different accents, pitches etc. to make them stand out. Kids get a big kick out of anything that helps a story come alive.

3) Improvise. Legend has it in my family that my dad's versions of certain stories were so good that my brother and I wouldn't go to bed as kids if anyone else tried reading them. The karate-chopping pigs that beat up on a suspiciously German-sounding wolf before he could blow their houses down sticks in my mind even to this day. And it keeps the books from boring both the parent and the child.

4) Don't just read the story. In fact, sometimes, don't read it at all. In books for younger kids, the written words are only half the point. Use the pictures as learning aids. Repeat vocabulary to your child, and ask them to point to things as well. It won't work every time, but the first time they put their finger on the sun, a flower, or a ba-ba (as Maeve likes to say) is an incredibly rewarding feeling.

5) Don't do everything for them. Even in my lap, Maeve likes to turn the pages. Sometimes she just likes to flip through a book really fast without stopping to look at anything. That's fine by me, too: while books may be about learning, learning should be about having fun wherever possible. And if she's having fun, I usually am too, which is kind of the point of the whole thing.

You Should Be on Facebook

wonkitime — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 08:44:56 -0700

By Won Kim

Trust me, this article isn't some kind of grassroots promotion to get our readers on our Facebook page or to help Facebook attain more traffic (I think they're doing fine without our help). If anything, I'm using the whole idea of Facebook to drive a point. I could have just as easily used other examples such as Myspace, YouTube, LinkedIn, Twitter or whatever social network du jour that exists out there to convey this simple message: Get familiar with social networking on the Web, because if you're lagging behind now, well, your kids are going to blow you out of the water.

Our generation was born into the inception and the growing concept of the Internet. By simple process of deduction, that would make our children the first generation to grow up completely immersed in what we know as the golden age of the Internet. If you were born circa 60's, 70's and early 80's, you didn't touch a computer until early teens, and you weren't embracing the Internet until late teens or your twenties. We grew up looking at the computer as a pragmatic machine used for data storage, compiling file documents and processing information. Our kids are growing up looking at the computer as an outlet to their social life. We are modern, they are postmodern. In other words, we are cavemen of the Internet times.

There are several reasons why a SavvyDaddy should become familiar with the Internet, specifically the social networking phenomenon. Here are three that resonate with me the most:

Safety. The more you know how a social network functions, the more you know how your kids are connecting with friends and even strangers. The more you know means the less chance your kids can get hurt.
Connection. The more you understand the intricacies of a social networking site, the more chance you may have to connect with your kids in their world. If you have no idea what it means to have a "wall-to-wall" or to "poke" a friend, the less likely your kid will want to share about their life-which we have to admit, is lived part of the time on the Worldwide Web.
Growth. As our world gets more connected and our global economy operates more on a Web-oriented platform, the more you know means the more chance you have to help your children grow to compete in an evolving market. How do your kids use the computer in elementary school? What kind of subjects will be available in high schools a few years from now? How about college courses? What about career decisions? The more you know means you will have actual input into their decisions, and in part, you will play a significant role in their growth as a man or woman entering the complex, ever-flattening world.

This doesn't mean you have to go to an Apple store right now and buy the latest laptop, and then buy a Starbucks on the way home and then sign up for every social network site on the Internet. I mean, my father didn't listen to the latest Cure or Smashing Pumpkins album while I was growing up, but I came out semi-decent.

However, there are huge pros to staying abreast to the world our children will grow up in. Just a couple weeks ago, in one of the conversations on the SavvyDaddy site, one dad gave a helpful suggestion of creating e-mail names for our children now so that they don't have to be Won.c.Kim2306783983@gmail.com. That's not only thinking ahead, but I'm sure a kid out there will appreciate his dad for thinking of him/her 10 years in advance.

Again, the most important thing is to get savvy on the Web, so that you get savvy with your kid. Granted, no matter what we do, our kids will still consider us antiquated and old. That's completely fine, but they better accept our friend request.

To start (shameless plug) your journey into the foray of social networking, join our SavvyDaddy group on Facebook, which you can access by clicking here.

How to Talk to Your Teen about Their First Date

tony — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 07:54:09 -0700

As a dad, you're biased when it comes to your kids' first dates. When your boy goes out, he's undertaking a rite of passage, winning over his first girl and doing his old man proud -- just like you did. When your girl goes out, though, she's running off into the world with some grungy, shifty punk you can't trust, and what's she going to do when Dad's not there to protect her?

It's an emotional time for a dad, no matter which kid is going out for the first time. It's one of the first blatant signs that your kids are starting to grow up. They're still kids, though, and as such they still need your guidance and support. As they grow, your job is to teach them how to act in the social settings they come in contact with, how to be respectable people no matter where they are. This is their first time courting the opposite sex, and while they may not want specific advice from you, you've still got to show them the basics. When you talk to your preteen about his or her first date, here's everything you'll need to remember:

Don't get too personal - The last thing your kid wants is you giving him or her tips on how kiss. Although you need to teach them a few things, there are also some things that are best left up to experience. They'll figure the intimate stuff out on their own, and there's not really much you can do about that. Although you can't regulate it, you probably shouldn't bother trying to advise it, either.
Teach your son how to be a gentleman - Your boy is going to need a few pointers. There are some very specific things that he needs to do on his first date, and if you don't point them out he's bound to stumble all over himself and look like a fool. Teach him to open all doors for his date, regardless of where they are. Teach him, as well, to pull out her chair at dinner, to pay for all aspects of the date, to offer his coat in the event of cold weather, and to be as un-boylike as possible. To that end:
Make sure he avoids his friends - A sure way to ruin your boys first date? Have him arrange the date around an event that his friends are sure to attend. Boys can't help but be boys, but they are acutely at risk of being boys when their peers are around. If your son mentions that his first date is going to be around his friends, gently discourage him. Instead, have him plan a date where he and his girlfriend can be away from anyone they know. This goes for girls, as well.
Talk about responsibilities - Your kids are getting their first taste of freedom with this date, and with it comes a set of responsibilities. Make sure they know what you expect of them - that they are courteous and respectful, not only to their dates but also to the people they encounter; that they practice safety by buckling their seat belts, not talking to strangers, and going only to agreed-upon meeting places; and that they come home on time, every time. If they break these rules, they no longer have the privilege of going out.

You don't have to be a worrisome parent. Talk to your preteens about what is expected of them, and while you're at it give them a few pointers on how to handle a sticky situation. Hopefully the date will go over well, and when their key hits the lock you can pretend to be asleep - but with a smile on your face.