Street Savvy

Savvy Life Skill: Emotional Intelligence

tony — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 17:29:44 -0800

Parents are obsessed with IQ. We spike baby formula with fish oil and worry over which infant toys will best increase spatial reasoning. But it looks like even if our kid has published three award-winning novels and engineered a solar-powered moon rover by age 6, we still can't be certain that we have raised the World's #1 Kid. In fact, emotional intelligence, or EQ, is a much better predictor of success, happiness, and healthy relationships. Research shows that EQ-the ability to perceive and manage the emotions of yourself and others-is four times better at predicting professional achievements than IQ, even for PhDs in the sciences, where raw brain power should count the most. EQ also best predicts your child's ability to adapt to new situations, problem solve under stress, and manage conflicts and relationships. High emotional intelligence even reduces the rate at which children get sick. This article won't help you if your only goal is to raise a child that can dominate at chess and solve Rubik's Cubes. But if you want happy, healthy, successful children then perhaps you should slightly shift your focus from neuroscience to nurturing, from chemistry to conflicts, from technology to talking. The following skills should help you improve your child's EQ, perhaps the most important all-around life skill.

Teach the language of emotions. To develop EQ, your child must first gain awareness of his own emotions, which requires developing the language to describe those emotions. You can build this vocabulary and awareness by identifying and talking about feelings. Push for more than "I hate Tommy, and I am not going to his house again." Try asking, "What did Tommy do?" "How did that make you feel?" "Were you sad?" Your child might not know what sad or hurt or angry is, but by discussing some possible options, he will quickly develop a language-and, more importantly, an awareness-of his feelings.
Find ways to manage emotions. Recognizing emotions is important, but, "I feel angry, which is why I am hitting my brother," is not quite the end result parents are looking for. So beyond instilling emotional awareness, you also need to teach your children to handle emotions appropriately. It's not that emotions are bad-in fact, they are in large part what make life great-but emotions can also cause inappropriate behaviors or irrational decisions. Talk to your kids to learn how various emotions might affect them. For example, you might discuss why it is unproductive to fight angry. Then teach your kids how they can calm their own emotions if necessary. Successful techniques include physical activity, quiet time, conversations, a distracting task, or deep breathing. Experiment and then encourage the soothing activity that works best. Before you know it, your children will begin incorporating the techniques into their lives even when you aren't around.
Practice productive conflicts. For most people, the greatest EQ struggle is finding appropriate and productive ways to get their needs met by others. This includes getting a family member to stop leaving out dirty dishes, asking a playmate to share his truck, and negotiating with a boss for a raise. This is a problem for kids, who end up resorting to screaming and throwing things, and for adults, who end up . . . screaming and throwing things. But you can teach your kids important skills to help get what they want (without violence). First, teach your kids to be assertive-that is, how to state what they want clearly and without anger. Second, teach your children how to have productive conflicts and negotiations. This requires keeping emotions in check, listening, articulating the issues clearly, and working to find creative solutions. The best way to teach these techniques is to model them when you and your kids have conflicts.
Develop a sense of what others are feeling. A high EQ requires empathy, which is the ability to understand another person's point of view. Empathy has many benefits. First, it makes others feel listened to. Good listening increases trust, improves emotional connections, reduces conflicts, and smoothes out emotionally-charged situations. Second, if your kid understands how other people feel about certain situations, your child can react appropriately. For example, some friends might think teasing is fun but others get hurt. Some bosses might like go-getters while others find them aggressive. Some teachers might encourage inquisitive students while others find off-topic questions annoying. If your child can get a sense of how each person feels, she can act appropriately. You can teach empathy by using it when you talk to your child. For example, if your daughter comes to you with something that upsets her, like a bad grade on an exam, don't just immediately start telling her better ways to study. Instead try, "I can really see that this bad grade made you sad. Why do you think it made you sad?" That might be the most satisfying conversation for your daughter. Further, get your kids to practice empathy with you: "How do you think I felt when we made an agreement about curfew, and then you ignored it?"
Encourage optimism. Optimism is an extremely important factor for success. One study showed optimism was a better predictor of freshman grades at an Ivy League school than either SAT scores or high school grades. This is because optimism reflects students' confidence in their ability to solve problems and gives them the internal emotional support to persevere despite challenges. Studies also show that optimism can be taught. Take time each day to discuss what is going well in your and your child's lives. Further, teach your kid that with hard work, anything is possible. This confidence and positive outlook will help them throughout life.

One of the foremost authors on EQ said, "Emotional Intelligence is a master aptitude, a capacity that profoundly affects all other abilities, either facilitating or interfering with them." No one is suggesting that IQ isn't important, so don't go canceling astrophysics camp. But by spending more time talking about feelings, teaching how to manage relationships, and encouraging emotional sensitivity, you can help your child develop a skill that will allow all her other strengths and talents to flourish.

Other Links:
Some schools starting to focus on EQ

Savvy Life Skill: Understanding Motivations

tony — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 17:24:36 -0800

We don't want our kids to be too good at reading people. We still have to survive questions about whether we like the clay ashtray they made us for Father's Day, or where Fido went after that last, fateful trip to the vet. But even though we may occasionally want to smooth over certain topics with our kids, we sure don't want other people hoodwinking them. It's a sad truth but, throughout life, friends, salespeople, colleagues, and bosses are going to tell our kids one thing while having different motivations in mind. That is why we must help our kids learn to "read people." This multi-faceted skill involves both IQ and EQ, as your kids must analyze arguments, understand common tricks, and observe and listen carefully. In addition to helping your kids develop IQ and EQ, you can discuss the following subjects and teach your children to become experts at detecting people's true motivations.

Raise awareness of the problem. Studies show that 25% of communications involve some amount of deceit. Of course kids normally learn the concept of deception quickly: after one experience trusting an older playmate who says grass tastes like spearmint gum, your child will understand that people don't always tell the truth. We don't want our kids to be completely paranoid, but a healthy sense of skepticism would do them well.
Analyze motivations. Encourage your kids to be aware of underlying motivations. Some motives-like profit and selfishness-are fairly obvious. Your kid doesn't need a PhD in psychology to know why a salesman is friendly. But some motives-like boosting self-esteem or competitiveness-are much more complex, and often cause people to react in surprising ways. It is difficult to explain to a child why other kids feel the need to make hurtful insults. Still you should try. By discussing underlying psychological motivations, your kids will become better at understanding what makes people tick.
Discuss the techniques. Everyone has their own favorite technique to get their way without being straightforward: Grandma uses guilt, your local politician appeals to emotion, newspaper columnists misconstrue statistics, and bullies use intimidation. You can help develop your child's ability to analyze motivations by discussing the common techniques people use to accomplish their goals without being completely honest. Ask your son, "Do you think Kobe Bryant really likes those $200 dollar basketball shoes he endorsed or do you think this is a marketing ploy to fool you into nagging me for overpriced sneakers?" Of course your son's response should be "Dad, Are you really motivated to teach me a lesson on advertising or are you just trying to find a reason to talk me out of wanting $200 sneakers?"
Teach your kids to be observant. Best-selling author Lillian Glass, a celebrity psychologist who writes on learning to read people, credits all of her abilities to a game she played with her father as a kid. He would ask her questions about minor details of their day-someone's name or the color of a building. He would then give her rewards if she got the answers right. This pushed her to be extremely observant at all times, she claims, which is why she is so good at reading people. Is this technique proven? No. But, hey, Dr. Glass's theories got her hired by Dustin Hoffman and Sean Connery, so it's worth a shot. At the least, encourage your kid to pay attention to his surroundings, notice people's behaviors, and be a careful listener. These skills are important for your child even if he won't be the next Therapist to the Stars.
Discuss non-verbal cues. Explain to your kids that non-verbal cues can be much more important than language in conveying information. One of the foremost researchers on communication, Albert Mehrabian, found that people only convey 7% of information through words, while they convey 38% of information through tone of voice and 55% through body language. Contrary to popular belief, it isn't possible to pin down a single sure-fire way to read people (e.g., "If he scratches his nose he is lying"). Instead, the people who are best at reading body language get an overall sense of the hundreds of non-verbal cues, from tone to posture to eye contact to body motions. Your kid won't become an expert overnight, but you can help your child learn that there is much more than words in any message.

Kids can learn to read people and find hidden motivations. But what is the easiest way to learn what is driving someone? Ask! In other words, an awareness and understanding of the underlying reasons people behave in certain ways is important, but it is a skill best used in combination with good communication, assertiveness, conflict resolution, and problem-solving skills. By developing all these abilities your child will be well equipped to navigate the world, both personally and professionally.

Other Links:
What makes people good at detecting lies
Persuasion techniques

Savvy Life Skill: Being Resourceful

tony — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 13:59:01 -0800

We must face a sad truth: now that MacGyver is off the air, our children will never know how to make a defibrillator out of candlestick holders, a floor mat, and an electrical power cord. Dads, without MacGyver, we must carry the torch. It is up to us to teach our children one of the most important life skills, resourcefulness.

Resourcefulness is the ability to meet a challenge, and then figure out a solution with the resources available. Researchers have found that it requires the mastery of four key skills: (1) controlling emotions under stress; (2) problem-solving; (3) delaying immediate gratification for long-term gain; and (4) believing in one's own ability to handle challenges. Studies show that it plays a bigger role in our success than we might have ever imagined: resourcefulness is a key factor in the success of high-achievers; it decreases the rate at which students drop out of challenging situations; it reduces adolescents' anxiety, stress, and depression; it increases life satisfaction; and it even reduces the effects of physical pain. Luckily, studies also show that resourcefulness can be taught, even late in life. So if you want a happy, satisfied child, who can make a gas mask out of a Dr. Pepper can and a cantaloupe rind, you should work on your kid's resourcefulness. Here's how:

Challenge and encourage your children. Your daughter is struggling to tie her shoes, but you know she can do it. Psychologists recommend that you do not jump in immediately to help. If she struggles with a task but then completes it, she develops self-confidence and problem-solving skills. So give her some time and encourage her: "I think you know how to do this. Let's start from the beginning and try again." When she succeeds, help her celebrate the accomplishment: "Great job! I knew you could do it."
Teach resources, not answers. Your son asks, "Dad, what was the Cold War?" Your first reaction would no doubt be, "Well, son, to answer that question let me first tell you a little about Structural Realism and the international power composition after World War II . . ." But while this would be an opportunity for exciting father-son bonding, you might benefit your son more by showing him the wellspring of all knowledge -- Wikipedia. Showing your kids how to use resources rather than simply giving answers will teach them to teach themselves.
Manage by objectives. If you want your kids to accomplish something, tell them the goal and let them find ways to solve it. Let's say you really want your son to be ready to leave for school at 7 A.M. Your son figures out that if he showers and picks out his clothes before he goes to sleep, he can wake up at 6:52 A.M. and make it out the door on time. He has found a creative way to sleep in later and should be congratulated. Don't micromanage the details as long as he is meeting your objective of an on-time departure.
Teach your kids to make decisions. Psychologists believe that decision-making teaches analytical skills and increases self-confidence, so help your kids learn the process to make good choices. Clearly, the decisions you allow your child to make depend on age, but even a toddler can decide which shoes she wears or what bedtime book you read. Give your kids the opportunity to make decisions, talk about the costs and benefits of each option, and show that there are sometimes creative, non-obvious solutions.
Encourage taking responsibility for results. Resourceful people are more likely to think they can influence outcomes while non-resourceful people more often think that outcomes are due to chance. In truth, life is part luck and part skill, but you should still teach your kids that they can minimize the effects of bad luck by maximizing skill and hard work. If your daughter is mad about an unfair question on an exam, try to refocus her energy on how she might better prepare for that teacher's next exam even if it also contains unfair questions.
Give your kids money. Seriously. One of the best ways to teach resourcefulness and, specifically, delay of gratification is to let your kids learn to manage money. Your son will learn that if he blows his allowance on 10 packs of baseball cards today, he won't be able to afford World of Warcraft IX: Return of the Blood Elves, when it comes out in 4 weeks. But further, if he really wants his baseball cards and his video game, he may find creative ways to get both. He might start a lemonade stand, babysit, or agree to sew Nike labels onto basketball shoes 22 hours a day. Encourage his resourcefulness. He will learn the advantages of long-term planning and develop self-confidence by successfully meeting this challenge.

Resourcefulness is more than an important set of skills, it's a mindset. There isn't much a kid won't eventually be able to tackle. But they can only learn to solve problems if there are problems available to be solved. Give them the tools, the support, and the freedom to learn and make mistakes, and they will surprise you - and themselves - with their ability to make decisions and find solutions on their own.

Savvy Life Skill: Managing Conflict

tony — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 13:57:41 -0800

Your kid comes home crying after a disagreement with a classmate. Your first thought is probably, "I hope those cage fighting lessons are finally paying off." But despite her prowess in The Octagon, your child may also end up in some situations - like jobs and relationships - where conflicts arise yet submission holds are discouraged. And it is for those situations that our kids must learn conflict management, a skill that studies have linked with lower verbal and physical aggression, increased self-confidence, and greater success at school, work, and home. You can help your child succeed and feel confident by working on the following exercises, which will give your kid the skills to turn almost any conflict into a productive disagreement.

1. Be the emotional leader. If emotions are heated, conflicts won't get resolved. But it only takes one person to defuse an emotionally charged situation. By using a technique child psychologists call "emotional coaching," you can teach your kid to be that calming force with less emotionally mature classmates (or teachers). When your child becomes angry, sad, or frustrated, coach him to put his feelings into words. After attaching a word to a feeling enough times, he can realize how that feeling affects him. With practice, even a young child can say, "I feel angry. I'm not supposed to argue when I am angry."

2. Listen. The most important conflict management skill you can teach your children is listening (or at least how to pretend). Listening sets a cooperative tone and allows the parties to determine the issues. Listening alone can even end conflicts -- people often have interpersonal spats only to get their feelings acknowledged. Explain to your child that most people feel they've been listened to if the listener rephrases what the speaker says, acknowledges the speaker's point of view, and elicits more information through appropriate questions. You can get your kids to practice good listening by pushing them to use these skills with you. Try asking them, "What do you hear me saying?"

3. Determine the issue. Research shows that by first grade kids can easily recognize and articulate the cause of a conflict. Frankly, it doesn't take a genius to observe little Timmy screaming about a cookie and say, "Timmy is upset that he can't have a cookie." But fights tend to get stuck in arguments about people (i.e., who did what to whom) and positions (i.e., demands). These discussions aren't helpful. Productive conflicts require conversations about interests, or what each person needs to feel satisfied. Help your kids learn to spot the underlying issues and interests by encouraging them to name what would make each side happy in a conflict.

4. Learn to articulate goals specifically and non-aggressively. Despite amazon.com's 32,164 books on assertiveness, adults can't seem to find the courage to tell a colleague nicely, "Would you mind closing your office door when you use the speakerphone for your fantasy football draft?" Kids, on the other hand, can say, "I want the truck!" How refreshing! But remind them that the key to conflict resolution is phrasing everything with "I" not "you." In other words, "You are being selfish," causes conflicts while, "I'd like to play with the truck too," explains the problem that needs to be resolved.

5. Negotiate creative solutions. This is by far the hardest part of conflict management for kids to learn. They have trouble thinking of how everyone can get their way. You're going to have to be the one to break the bad news to your kids: people can't get everything they want all the time (although it seems wives didn't get this memo). Yet great solutions can still be found. You can help your kids learn to imagine various creative compromises by asking "What if?" For example, let's say your daughter is arguing with a classmate over how to divide up the work for a school project. Try getting your daughter to come up with 5 "What ifs?" "What if you do the research and make the graphs, and she writes the report?" "What if you both work on everything together?" Asking "What if?" forces your kids to brainstorm possible scenarios that might maximize each sides' interests. Along the way, your child will start to see that the solutions all involve some give and some take, so it's just a matter of finding the optimal balance.

6. Avoid bullies. Explain that not all conflicts can be resolved. Bullies, for example, have conflicts just for the sake of having conflicts, and dispute management with them simply won't work. Teach your children that the best way to avoid conflicts with bullies is to simply walk away without engaging, and, if it is a serious conflict, get an adult involved. You can then show your kids how to sign the bully's parents up to thousands of telemarketing lists, and you can explain why toilet paper sticks best if it is thrown into the trees right before it rains.

Your kids will be able to turn almost any conflict into a compromise by practicing these skills. But the most important part of teaching good behavior is modeling it. You can talk about listening and negotiating until your son sounds like a Dr. Phil wind-up doll, but if he sees you chew out the dry cleaner for your ruined pants, he will think yelling is an effective way to resolve a conflict. So remember, encourage good listening, help identify interests, discuss methods to find creative solutions, coach your children to recognize their emotions, and, for heaven's sake, send your son to the car before you rip into that idiot drycleaner.

Savvy Life Skill: Effective Negotiating

tony — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 13:56:14 -0800

Improving your child's ability to argue probably ranks somewhere between teaching your toddler screaming skills and explaining your favorite games with kitchen knive. But good negotiation abilities are an essential skill for success both in relationships and careers. Research shows that you can teach your child these important skills simply by demonstrating good negotiation practices when you and your child have conflicts. By using the following principles from some of the world's top negotiation experts, you will not only resolve your disagreements more constructively, but you will teach your child a key resource for effectively navigating the world.

Don't just take positions and then split the difference. Let's say you tell your son that you are both leaving the playground in 5 minutes, and he responds, "Please please please, just 15 more minutes??!!!" Studies show that the human brain wants to split the difference, so your initial reaction may be to say, "Well we'll leave in 10 minutes but no later." However, this impulse actually leads to less efficient disagreements. A shrewd negotiator (i.e., your son) would quickly learn to make initial offers that skew the middle ground in their favor. The next time your son wants to stay at the playground, he might say, "Please please please just 30 more minutes???!!!" It doesn't seem like this technique should work on a savvy dad like you, but, surprisingly, the research consistently shows that suddenly you will think 15 minutes sounds pretty reasonable. In the end, negotiations will become less effective as both sides take more extreme positions in order to arrive at a favorable middle ground.
Instead of taking positions, explore each other's interests through questions. One leading negotiation expert said, "Statements generate resistance, whereas questions generate answers." Instead of taking strong positions, explore what you and your child both want. You might find some creative solutions that satisfy you both. For example, explore why your child wants to stay up past his bedtime. Is it because of a television show that you could TiVo? Or you could explore with your child why you want him to be home by 7 P.M. on school nights. Is it because you want him to have time for his homework? Perhaps then you would be okay with an 8 P.M. curfew if he finished his homework right after school. Remember, a bargaining position is just a shortcut to achieve some underlying goal. Perhaps solutions exist that could achieve both you and your child's objective, but this can only be discovered through communication.
Help your child learn to empathize. Developmental psychologists claim that teaching children to negotiate can help teach them empathy, which is the ability to understand other people's point of view. Conversely, your child must learn to empathize in order to become an effective negotiator. To teach empathy, ask your child to take on your point of view in a disagreement. For example, say, "Explain to me why you think I might not want you to get a motorcycle." Studies show that children begin showing empathy as early as 24 months, which means your six-year-old is more than old enough to articulate your reasons why she is too young for that Harley.
Avoid heated emotions. Research consistently shows that when emotions go up, conflict resolution goes down. This means crying, screaming, biting, and throwing applesauce should not be an acceptable negotiation technique, for you or your child. If emotions get heated you need to learn to calm yourself and your child down. Try teaching your kid that emotional disagreements are not productive. Simply say, "I won't negotiate under these stressful conditions. Let's cool off for 5 minutes and then sit down and have a calm conversation about the issues."
Even when you won't negotiate, listen and explain. To be sure, there are many issues -- like health and safety -- where you will not negotiate. But even then, you should try to listen to your kid's point of view and explain why you are making a certain rule. Experts say that interpersonal negotiations are often less about getting a certain outcome, and more about feeling heard. If your child feels that you understand what he wants, and he understands why the rule exists, it may be easier to get him on board than if the underlying logic of the rule is "because I said so." For example, in response to a common conflict over food, you might try, "I really understand that Cheetos and Ding Dongs are delicious. But it is really not a healthy dinner. Do you understand that I wouldn't be doing my job as a dad if I let you eat food that would make you grow up to have health problems? Let's try to find something healthy that you think sounds good."

A leading expert said negotiating should be collective decision making. This is a reminder that in contrast with competition, where the goal is to win at the other's expense, the goal of negotiation is for both sides to get what they want while giving in on things that might not be as important. Teach your child ways to understand the other side's position and then encourage creative solutions. By explaining and demonstrating effective negotiation, you will settle conflicts faster, while teaching your kids a skill that will last them a lifetime.

Savvy Life Skill: Critical Thinking

tony — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 13:54:15 -0800

Developing your child's critical thinking skills is one of your top priorities as a dad. But before you sign up for pre-natal S.A.T. class or buy "Nuclear Physics for Dummies," you should realize that teaching good critical thinking is an easy process that only requires talking, playing, and interacting with your child. So you can put away your protractor and graphing calculator. Just remember the following tips, and you will ensure that your child will develop great critical thinking:

Realize that the early years are the most important for development. Your baby might not be able to fully understand your in-depth analysis of the Cowboy's Cover 2 defense but that doesn't mean her brain isn't working yet. In fact, the first few years are when your baby develops the neural connections that will last a lifetime: a person develops 50% of their ability to learn in their first four years of life, and another 30% by age 8. So don't think you can skimp on those early critical years, and make it up by teaching your kid calculus in high school.
Talk to your child. A lot. Language is highly correlated with critical thinking, and children develop language faster when they are surrounded by it. Studies on baby talk are mixed. Pre-speech baby talk ("goo goo gah gah") is a good way to interact with your child and teach communication skills like call and response. But "Is baby hungry for a bity baby baa baa?" is probably less effective for teaching language than simply saying "Are you hungry for your bottle?" Could you learn French if your teacher only responded to you in the broken half-French, half-English that you were spewing? Talk with your normal vocabulary, and your child will learn language skills faster, and improve critical thinking.
Help your child learn through playing. Research shows that children develop better mental skills when they learn through interaction. Plopping your kid in front of a "Learning your alphabet" DVD or putting them on the floor with some blocks is less effective than teaching them yourself. So put down your newspaper, get on the floor, start singing your ABC's, and build some block towers.
Children learn best though diverse learning experiences. The more unique pieces of information a brain learns to process, the better it becomes at processing new information. So to make children better critical thinkers, they should come in contact with a wide variety of experiences and problems at an early age. Don't just play in your living room every day. Go to the zoo, museums, the beach, the park, and the mall. And during playtime try activities that require motor skills, sights, sounds, and touch. For older kids, include counting, reading, make-believe, and object naming.
If you spend a whole lot of money on toys, your child will be successful. Just kidding. Despite the rapid increase in baby genius toys, no good research shows that certain educational toys help your child develop critical thinking skills. Some experts argue that basic music ability can increase math and science scores, so perhaps parents should buy a toy piano or sign their kids up for violin class. But overall, you just want to find ways that allow your children to explore their many skills and abilities. This may include toys or it may not. Building mud castles requires motor skills, touch, vision, imagination, and planning -- and it will only cost you a bath.
Struggling is not always a bad thing. Studies show that a child that struggles to solve a problem but eventually masters it develops confidence and improves critical thinking. No one is saying you should let your kid cry on the floor because she can't figure out how to open her new jack-in-the-box. But perhaps spending a few extra minutes encouraging your child and helping her explore the jack-in-the-box might boost intelligence and confidence.
Encourage decision making. Picking out a pair of pants may seem easy to you, but brain research shows that making a simple decision is a complex mental exercise that requires weighing actions, costs, and benefits (in other words, you should be proud of yourself if you are currently wearing pants). So give your child the chance to make decisions, talk about the decision-making process, and let your child see how you make rational decisions. By learning to make decisions, your kid will be challenged to solve difficult critical thinking problems while having fun and feeling independent.

Finally, realize that the most important thing for your child's critical thinking skills is . . . you! As one expert said, "the irreducible core of the environment of early development is people." Babies develop best when they are surrounded by language, stimulation, and interaction that are provided by people. Spend time every day playing, talking, and having fun, and your baby is bound to naturally develop critical thinking.