Heart Savvy

Savvy Life Skill: Dealing with Worry

tony — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 14:18:51 -0700

We tend to believe that while parents lead stressful lives, our kids have an existence filled with innocence and ease. They play all day long-- they don't have to worry about working or paying bills. What stresses could they possibly have?

As it turns out, plenty. According to a study by KidsHealth.org, kids between the ages of 9 and 13 worry about lots of things - getting good grades, being attractive, problems at home, being well-liked, losing weight, failing, their friends' problems and disappointing their loved ones. Of 1,004 preteens polled, 53 percent claimed they worry weekly or daily about getting good grades, while 43 percent worried about being attractive. Although the study found that a majority of kids say they worry only rarely, it also found that 20 to 30 percent of those polled said they worry daily.

While we may be wrong in believing that kids have nothing to worry about, the logic behind our belief is sound; because they're kids, they shouldn't have to worry about anything. Fitting in, being liked and getting the most out of childhood isn't easy however, and if your child struggles with these goals he or she will experience moments of stress, worry and anxiety. When this stress and worry become a predominant part of life it leaves a lasting effect, and your worried preteen is likely to become a worried adult.

The KidsHealth study also found that "a parent" was the most common resource kids use for learning about the things that worry them (about 42 percent claimed to seek out their parents for help). Whether they come to you or you go to them, however, you should take every opportunity to ease stress in your children's lives and lead them into a worry-free adulthood.

Avoid fighting in front of them. Being aware of family conflict and resolution is part of an essential, on-going lesson for your children; it teaches them to deal with personal conflict and how to overcome it in a healthy manner. Bearing witness to heated arguments, physical or emotional violence, or familial tension and resentment, however, has a profound effect on a child's well-being. If his home is in a constant state of tension and anger, or if he feels his stable life is hanging by the thread of your dissolving marriage, your child will be in a constant state of worry. This worry is hard on the body as well as the mind, and while it may make itself known through a change in your child's actions, it may also manifest in your child's physical well-being.
Help them comprehend news stories. Overhearing an "adult" news story is one of the most common ways that many children first realize the world is not a fairy-tale. It can be a very cruel world, too cruel for your children to know of, but you cannot keep them blind forever. Younger kids may hear of abduction stories and fear for their own safety. They may also become concerned for others, like children in areas of the world overcome with war or famine. It is important for you to discuss these issues with your child rather than sweeping them away and pretending they didn't ask. It is hard to do, but you have to explain to them that bad things happen sometimes. However, you also must reassure her that she is perfectly safe, and that these events happen very rarely. Although you shouldn't lie to your child, you should also temper the information you give her.
Be sympathetic when planning a move. Moving away from home is extremely hard on children, especially those who have grown old enough to develop friends outside the home. It's an upheaval of everything the child knows about his stable life: he'll be living in a new house, going to a new school and meeting all new people. When planning the move, make sure the child is as involved as possible. Although he may want no part of it at first, it is important that you let him have some form of control during this otherwise uncontrollable event. Let him pick the color of his new room, or (if possible) allow him to pick the actual room. Let him help arrange furniture, as well, and ask him for design tips. If he feels he's helping rebuild his home, he will become acclimated to it that much quicker.
Watch for bullying. Bullies are a main worry of most children. A particularly aggressive bully can make going to school unbearable, and your kids may spend the rest of their days worrying about the next time they have to deal with their aggressor. You have to watch for the signs of bullying, however, because oftentimes kids won't say anything to avoid reprisals. Symptoms that your child is being bullied include loss of personal possessions, unexplained bruises, unwillingness to go to school and decrease in class performance. Almost all schools have anti-bullying rules in place, so you should approach the administrators as soon as you find out. Talking to the bully's parents is also a possibility, but the bully is more likely to find out who told on him. If none of these tactics work, you may have to accept that children do get bullied and have to learn to stand up for themselves. Don't just toss him to the wolves, however. Teach them how.
Don't let them worry about death - Although this is nearly impossible for a child who has experienced the loss of a close loved one, you should definitely pursue this tactic against a child who is worrying about death simply because it is something to worry about. Yes, death is the end of all things, and yes, it does eventually get us all. She should be assured, however, that she is going to live a long and happy life, give birth to lots of babies and eventually be the matriarch of her own empire of descendents. Assure them that death is not something you worry about until you're in your 80s. This is obviously a fierce exaggeration of the truth, but children don't need to be overburdened with too much truth.

Although they don't face the issues that you do, kids do have demands in their lives. Stress is simply their bodies' ways of dealing with those demands and coping with their abilities' to meet them. With a savvy dad on their side, however, kids can meet those demands with as little worry as possible.

Savvy Life Skill: Dealing with Insecurity

tony — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 13:59:36 -0700

Insecurities can manifest themselves in your children in any number of ways. He can be less than confident about his abilities, balking at the idea of doing things he once enjoyed. He can be shy in social situations, avoiding family gatherings and becoming an outcast at school. Or he can find himself at a loss for words around certain peers (like a family member or a friend), unable to stand up for himself when caught in confrontations with these "red flag" people.

Of course, not all children who experience insecurities are necessarily insecure. The world can be a scary place for kids, and there are literally millions of possible circumstances that can make your child feel insecure. As a parent, it is your job to build security for your child so that he can grow up without the burden of anxiety, worry, fear or other types of insecurities. While you obviously can't protect him from everything, building an emotional foundation for him to stand on is ultimately one of the most important jobs you have.

Children can be cagey, though, and not all kids will come out and tell you that they feel insecure or that they're having problems. Younger ones don't have the vocabulary to do so, and older kids may feel pressured to keep things like that to themselves. Communication, however, is always the key. If you feel like insecurities are affecting your child's behavior, emotional state, education or social life, you should approach him. He may not want to talk about it immediately, but this is a crucial step in helping him overcome his problems. Remember, helping your kids work through something (as opposed to doing the work for them) gives them valuable experience in handling problems. These tools will come in handy later in life.

Although minor insecurities can be caused by lots of things, there are a few very common roots that many insecure children share. There are also ways, of course, to pull up those roots and get to the source of the issue.

Create and maintain a secure foundation. One of the main reasons that children become insecure is instability. To develop a healthy personality and a good emotional foundation, kids need a predictable, calm environment. When they are constantly faced with change like frequent moves or constantly changing step-parents, they lose the sense of safety in their lives. It sends an unconscious signal to your child that life is constantly changing, that fate is lurking around every corner waiting to jump out and throw their lives in disarray. Kids facing uncertainty in their lives may become sullen, unaffected by serious situations, angry and resentful. Stability is one of the most important things in their lives, so make sure you do everything to give it to them. Talk with them about the changes that are going on, and assure them that things like divorce and parental arguments are not their fault. Make sure the other aspects of their lives are as stable as possible, as well.
Deal with any harassment issues, either by bullies or by loved ones. Bullies suffer from their own form of insecurity, and they thrive on transferring that insecurity to other people. Because their own lives aren't stable, they relish in bringing chaos to other people's lives. Having this chaos in your child's life, this element of random anger, degradation and possible violence removes all sense of safety and security. Symptoms that your child is being bullied include loss of personal property, unwillingness to go to school, sullenness, anger, poor performance in class or withdrawal from social settings. Keep the lines of communication open with your child, and encourage him to talk about school. Approach school administrators about any instances of bullying -- most schools have strict anti-bullying policies in place.
Don't become an overprotective parent. It is natural to want to protect your child from danger, but "molly-coddling" your child can breed fear and insecurity. If you constantly worry about the safety of your child - barring him from any activities that could possibly cause an accident and refusing to let him leave the home for fear of abduction - you instill in him a constant fear that danger lurks behind every shadow. Additionally, constantly hovering over your child and overseeing his every move gives him the impression that he's not good enough to accomplish his own tasks. Don't be an overprotective parent. Remember that children fall for a reason -- to learn how to pick themselves back up.
Foster in them a healthy self-esteem. What kid doesn't have self-esteem issues? Film and television put rigorous standards on the societal ideal of beauty, and most kids go through a period in their lives when they must reconcile their appearance with those standards. Other kids pressure them, as well, to wear certain types of clothes, to carry certain cell phones and mp3 players, to conform to an arbitrary ideal that they may not be capable of. As a parent, you may feel helpless to do anything about it. The way your child looks is pretty much set in stone, especially considering that giving a child plastic surgery is flirting with hideously immoral. You can do your best to keep them as "in" as possible, however. If your preteen wants a certain type of jeans or particular brand of ball cap, indulge them. Do what you can -- within reasonable financial limits -- to help them fit in. Of course, being a supportive father who doesn't judge or criticize and loves unconditionally will probably help, too. But you're a savvy dad. You already know that.
Limit their exposure to violence or other traumatic events. Children who are exposed to violence (not TV violence, but real-life, in-the-home violence) will likely have serious insecurity issues. They need stable, nurturing environments to develop healthy personalities; when someone they love is the target of or the instigator of serious acts of violence, it erodes their sense of safety and stability. In later years, their insecurity can manifest itself as outbursts of reactive violence or subjection to violent figures. The only person who can do anything about this is you. Children cannot grow up in violent environments; even a single experience "can rob a child of something unrecoverable; the ability to be a child." If the violent environment is inescapable, you can nurture resiliency in your child's life by providing as much stability as possible. If there has to be something as chaotically unpredictable as violence in his life, make sure everything else is safe, predictable and consistent.

Insecurities are hard to battle. They have a way of grabbing hold and not letting go. With encouragement, communication and a lot of reinforcement, however, you can change your children's lives for the better.

Savvy Life Skill: Dealing with Disappointment

tony — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 13:52:15 -0700

Since the arrival of Dr. Spock (the parenting author, not the ‘Star Trek' character), Americans have taken a strange view of child rearing. These days parents aren't so much concerned with raising well-rounded adults as they are making their children "feel good" about themselves. This has become the "everybody gets a prize" generation of parenthood. While our kids may be happy to be encouraged, praising them for nothing does them no justice in the long run.

In showering affection on our children despite their poor performances, we're also shielding them from disappointment. Instead of letting our boys deal with a softball game loss, we praise them for effort and assure them that there are no losers. By parenting this way, however, we are doing our children a disservice. We are teaching them that there are no disappointments in life, that everyone gets what they want and is praised for how hard they tried. We're setting them up for a huge disappointment - the revelation that the real world is cruel, unsympathetic and unforgiving - and we're denying them the tools they need to deal with that disappointment.

Letting our children fail is an essential parenting tactic. It allows them to experience disappointment and discover the skills needed to overcome those feelings. By the same token, however, we can't just throw them to the wolves. Disappointment and frustration are tough feelings to deal with, and without a healthy outlook and a sense of security they can be overwhelming. Remember, our kids are experiencing everything for the first time. As the parents, it's our job to show them the world and teach them how to deal with what they find.

Make sure your child has realistic expectations. Having unrealistic expectations is the first step toward getting disappointed. If your child somehow believes that he'll be getting an ultra-expensive and hi-tech mp3 player for Christmas when you clearly can't afford it, he's on the road toward a meltdown. Talk with your child about his expectations whether they concern a birthday party, a vacation, a television show, a new toy or future goals. Find out what he thinks will come of the event or the item, and then talk to him about what he can realistically expect. It's better to tell him now than to let him find out when the spotlight is on him.
Teach them to find the diamond in the rough. One of the most helpful attitudes you can have during disappointing times is curious optimism. It's simply a matter of digging through all the crap and finding one good thing-- just one thing that can somehow make it worthwhile. Teach your children to do this. Whenever either of you are beset by disappointment, make it a point to be optimistic. Search together for a reason to be happy in the face of such adversity. If it rains on the day you were going to the park, tell him the rain brings puddles, which are much more fun than just dry land. If you spend enough time hammering this attitude into his brain, it will become second nature for him.
Foster their comforting skills. Children have to learn how to soothe themselves. It is an invaluable skill that most kids pick up at one point or another-- unless there is a parent in their life that constantly does the comforting. Learning to comfort himself prepares a child to overcome adversity later in life. When relationships go bad, when people at work make him angry, when everything seems to be going wrong, he should be able to center himself, be calm and deal with these issues internally. There's nothing wrong with reaching out once in a while, but you don't want him calling home every time someone hurts his feelings.
Don't fill them with false praise. Filling children with false praise is a disservice. Although it may make them proud to be praised so much, there are a number of things wrong with this tactic. It's dishonest, for one. You're essentially lying to your child, and eventually he will realize it. Secondly, by doing so you also give your children false expectations of their abilities which honestly sets them up for a bigger disappointment down the line. Lastly, false praise is usually given to avoid disappointment in a poor performance, and disappointment, again, is something children NEED to experience. Your job isn't to shelter them from it but to teach them to step out from under it.
Use mistakes as a way to teach lessons. When your child is disappointed because of something he did wrong, use it as an opportunity to teach him a life lesson. "The real world isn't fair," "Things happen," "Practice makes perfect" - take your pick. Disappointments, like traumatic events, have a way of burning into your child's memory, so immediately after a disappointing blow is the best time to do a little parenting. If nothing else, the proximity of the lesson to the disappointment will help make it stick in their minds for years to come.

Kids sulk, whine, pout and even get angry - these are instinctual reactions to disappointment. They are by no means attractive qualities however, and they'll become even less attractive as your kids get older. Imagine a 25-year-old crying and throwing a tantrum when his wife won't let him play video games. That's why it's your job to step in now and help your kids establish the skills they'll need to overcome these feelings. In the long run, they'll benefit more from failing and rising above than from winning a ribbon for doing nothing at all.

Savvy Life Skill: Dealing with Anger

tony — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 13:44:09 -0700

Some unsuspecting playmate takes your son's Aquadoodle without his permission. Suddenly he goes into an arms-flailing, flesh-chomping, Lego-throwing rage that would make Mike Tyson or Tony Soprano blush. Should you check your Gerber for traces of ‘roids? Perhaps schedule a visit to your doctor, psychiatrist, or exorcist? Of course not. Kids, like adults, will get frustrated and angry-it's a normal part of the human spectrum of emotions. And it isn't all bad! In fact some controlled anger can be beneficial in small doses: it can increase energy, focus, and motivation. However, excessive or uncontrolled anger is harmful. If your kids don't learn to control their tempers, they could lose friends, get disciplined at school, and even cause damage to property or people. In addition, chronic ragers have greater risks of certain health problems, like high blood pressure and heart disease. And, of course, an angry person is not a happy person. Because we can't expect our kids to stop getting frustrated or angry, we should instead teach them to control their anger and deal with its underlying causes. By working with our kids on the following concepts, we can help them learn to deal with frustration appropriately, limit unconstructive angry outbursts, and, as a result, have greater happiness and success in school, work, relationships, and life.

Teach your children to recognize anger. The first step for controlling anger is awareness. By talking to your kids about how anger makes them feel, they can learn to recognize anger in themselves before it takes control. In addition, it is helpful to avert tantrums and talk about what your kids are feeling before the anger gets full blown. Do this by watching for the tell-tale signs of a coming fit, such as shouting, crying, rolling on the floor, or flashing gang signs, and then alert your kid to his rising anger and require some cool-down time. Later, talk about how he felt when he was getting wound up. And when your kids do recognize their feelings and say something like "I am feeling angry," then heap on praise for the self-awareness.
Make it clear that tantrums aren't ok. Explain to your kids that they cannot throw fits or use anger to achieve their goals. Of course, never reverse yourself in order to soothe a fit unless you want to teach your kid that anger is an effective mode of getting her way. If anger produces behavior that requires punishment, you should clearly explain how you expect your child to exercise self-control. For instance, after your daughter goes Ike Turner on her sister, explain "I am not putting you in time out because you wanted to play with your sister's hoola hoop. We all could have talked about that. I am punishing you because you swatted your sister when you didn't get your way. That is an unacceptable behavior that you can control."
Find ways to cool off. Studies show that both lashing out and bottling up anger can harm psychological health, and that the best way to deal with anger is to state a goal calmly and assertively. To do this, it is often necessary to take a minute to calm down. Encourage your kid to remove himself from anger-producing situations, and work on relaxation techniques to reduce the intensity of his anger. Some popular cool-down methods include exercising, playing with a favorite toy, deep breathing, or discussing the problem. After cooling down, your child can work calmly to fix the situation that frustrated him.
Show your children how to accomplish goals without anger. Anger is often just the byproduct of not being able to accomplish some goal. Teach your kids effective ways to get what they want, such as assertiveness, negotiation, and problem solving so they don't get to the point of frustration. If some situations always make your kid angry-like when playmates come over and want to use her toys-see if there ways to avoid the situation altogether, like putting away the toys that she just simply can't stand to share.
Teach your kids to let anger go. Anger most hurts the person who holds it, so help your kids learn to let anger go. Let's say someone makes fun of your son's macaroni Eiffel Tower at arts and crafts camp. Clearly this is an insult that would rightfully anger even the thickest of skins. But once the event has occurred, thinking angry thoughts or planning retaliation during sock puppet class tomorrow is not going to solve any problems and is going to keep your son riled up and miserable. Help your kids learn to drop their anger when it is not constructive. If they are mad at someone, suggest avoiding the person, but remind your kids that it will make them feel best to forgive and forget.
Model good anger management techniques. Study after study shows that kids will model parents' anger management techniques. If you are driving with your kid in the car and you stick your head out the window to tell a fellow driver what you think of their driving style, you can bet your son will be running around the playground flipping people the bird and calling them "ship heads" in no time at all. Instead demonstrate good behavior and say, "I am feeling really angry, and screaming isn't going to get me out of this traffic, but it will make the ride more unpleasant," and your son will learn an important lesson.

No matter how many Dr. Phil reruns you make your kid watch, she will occasionally get furious. Help her learn to recognize her anger, calm herself down, and navigate a sometimes frustrating world without melting down or harboring resentments. By getting involved, discussing anger management techniques, and being a good role model you can help your kids lead a more successful and healthy life and, hopefully, avert some bruised feelings-and shins-along the way.

Savvy Life Skill: Dealing with Peer Pressure

tony — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 13:38:33 -0700

Peer pressure is one of those unfortunate aspects of adolescence that affects kids of every race, status and social class. Examples of it are all around us from real life experiences to those found in the televisions shows, movies and music that profoundly influence every aspect of society. One needs to look no further than young Hollywood stars, such as Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears, to see the harmful effects of falling prey to peer pressure.

Dads face great challenges when trying to assist their children in dealing with the emotions of peer pressure and how to stay strong in the face of it. The difficulties are two-fold in that dads may find difficulty relating to the challenges of peer pressure in today's society and children often view their dad as out of touch with what is going on in their world. So, how do you combat this? Here are some tips:

Anticipate potential scenarios: When your child has reached an appropriate age, begin discussing situations in which peer pressure may be a factor. Encourage them to be honest about the choices they may be tempted to make and why. Make sure no subjects are off limits, including sex, drugs, stealing, sneaking out and more. Use pop culture examples to let them know you are still aware of the things going on in their world. Although it may be difficult for you to hear your child admit they may be tempted to do the wrong thing, this is your opportunity to talk to them about their decisions and all possible outcomes and consequences. Moreover, the conversation you have with them now may play a role in their decision-making process should they find themselves in a bad situation.
Don't be the judge and jury: Nothing will cause a child to clamp down quicker than an angry, judgmental father. For example, if your kid admits to cutting class with friends, don't automatically yell and ground them. Instead, talk about why they did what they did and why the outcome of their actions could have been unsafe. Listen effectively to your child when they come to you about problems with peer pressure. Pay attention to everything they are saying --- and what they are not. Remember that physical expressions, combined with words, can give you great insight into the range of emotions your child is experiencing.
Reinforce self-esteem: This is all about reinforcing their self-esteem and sense of self-worth. In many instances, this very ideal is what separates the children who give in to peer pressure from those who do not. Children who have a strong, core value system, close-knit family and a keen understanding of their own self-worth are more likely to be leaders within their circle. This means they are less likely to blindly follow the crowd, particularly when it comes to situations clearly have no benefit to them. Talk to your child about standing apart from the crowd and focus on their best attributes to enhance their self-esteem.
Schedule family time: No matter how busy all of you are, make room in your daily schedules for family time. This helps to guard against negative outside influences in your child's life because it lets them know there are people in their corner no matter what they do. Kids tend to trend in the right direction when they know they have a lot of support at home from parents and siblings. Family meals, activities after dinner, helping with homework, weekend outings and more all create a loving environment for your child. This gives them the strength and the courage to fight against peer pressure challenges.
Maintain trust: Trust is the most important aspects of your relationship with your child. Helping them to battle against peer pressure means ensuring they are willing to talk to you about what is going on in their life. Kids will only do this if they do not think you are likely to blow up about every thing they say. Keep an open line of communication with your child. The key to doing this successfully is balance. When they bring a dilemma to your attention, listen before you do or say anything. Take action when it is appropriate, but choose your battles wisely. Particularly if the situation is not serious, you will get much farther in the eyes of your kid by letting them talk about their decisions without lecture or consequence. You may find that they draw their own conclusions about the situation without you ever having to say a word.
Have realistic expectations: Be realistic in your expectations of your child and use your personal experiences to communicate effectively. Dads often forget that they were once prey for the temptations of peer pressures themselves. Talk with your children about situations where you did not give in to peer pressure as well as times you did. Make them aware of the consequences you may have experienced as a result. Do not overwhelm them with strict expectations and reassure them you will understand when they fail. This will not only reinforce your bond, but will also help your child to feel more comfortable coming to you with problems.

Remember that peer pressure is not always a bad thing. This is where redirection comes into play. Encourage your children to strengthen relationships that have a positive effect on their lives. For example, your child may have friends that encourage them to participate in school clubs or extracurricular activities. They may have relationships with members of the church or community groups that offer positive guidance and value-based outlets for your child. These are examples of good peer pressure.

It is important that you as a dad understand that in its basic form, peer pressure teaches what is and is not socially acceptable. When it encourages your child in a positive direction, it can actually be a good thing. Moreover, even when it is not, overcoming negative peer pressure helps your child to develop a keen sense of inner strength that will help them to overcome many challenges throughout their life. Additionally, a solid relationship with trust and understanding between you and your child can go a long way towards helping them deal with the emotions of peer pressure.

Savvy Life Skill: Dealing with Loss

tony — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 13:33:44 -0700

Loss can come in many forms for your child. A divorce may separate her from a primary caregiver. Her best friend may move to another city. And death, the great equalizer, may claim one of her close family members. All humans must deal with the troubling issue of loss at one point or another. Grieving is a natural human condition - it helps us come to terms with the things we've lost and put the past behind us. Like any other mechanic for dealing with adversity, the ability to grieve is not something that is inherent; it is learned. Children learn to grieve by watching their parents, relatives and peers.

Grieving isn't simply the act of mourning loss, however. Anyone can do that, and it doesn't take any training. Grieving, rather, is the act of mourning something that is lost, recognizing that it is a permanent loss and accepting that it is gone forever. It may take months or years, but unless a person who has lost someone has accepted the loss and agreed to move on with their life, they can still be said to be grieving.

For children, this is tricky territory. They have no mechanisms for handling this type of emotion, and without proper guidance their emotions may cause permanent psychological damage. A young child who has lost a mother or father can be affected for life if the grieving cycle is never completed. Not all children grieve in the same way, however. For instance, one of the first steps in the grieving process is questioning why the event happened. Whereas adolescents may need concrete, physiological explanations for why someone dies, teenagers look more at the philosophical reasons for death. Every age group experiences and copes with loss in a different way, and the tactics you take in teaching your children should reflect this phenomenon.

Infants (0-24 months) - Babies are in a state of constant mental development, so their reactions to the loss of a caregiver varies as they grow. Before the age of nine months, babies will have formed very close bonds with their primary caregivers (especially the mother), but will do so on only a precognitive level. If she loses her mother she will recognize that the presence of a close loved one is gone, but she won't understand it. At this age she is able to reform an attachment to a new mother rather quickly. Infants older than 9 months, however, begin to develop their cognitive abilities and can easily recognize and identify their mothers, and the loss will have much more impact on the child's well-being. At this age, the baby will be less likely to give over to a new mother in her life. Before 2 years, however, children generally won't recognize the loss of anyone other than their primary caregivers (and will only be impacted by the loss of the father if he's intimately involved in her life, like any savvy dad is).
Children (2-6 years) - During this stage, children are rapidly developing. They are learning to master language, becoming better talkers and listeners. The loss of a caregiver affects them much more now, and they'll soon be able to express how that affects them. Until then, however, they learn to grieve on their own. Preschoolers (2- and 3-year-olds) may acutely recognize the loss of a parent, but they don't understand the notion of permanence. Time isn't a concept they've mastered yet, and they may have a hard time understanding that their loved one isn't coming back. Throughout this stage they are also exclusively self-centered, and they will probably think of loss in terms that affect them. They may believe that no mother means no more food, or no more hugging, or no more singing. If you make sure that they understand their needs will still be met, they will probably accept the loss more quickly. Children at this stage, as well, may have the ability to remember the loved one later in life.
Adolescents (7-12 years) - Children in this age group are now beginning to get a firm grasp of the world, from the concept of time to the idea of death as a permanent end to life. But death is not the only way children experience loss. A divorce or a move can also provoke feelings of sadness and loneliness in children. These emotions can affect the child's behavior, as they try to find a way to deal with them. Younger children may seemingly revert in development and take to wetting the bed, using a pacifier or acting like a baby. Other children may become angry and turn to starting trouble as a way of acting out and getting attention. Others may mimic characteristics of the dead relative, like wearing their clothes or talking like they did. As a parent, your main goal is validate their feelings and help them come to terms with the loss. Encourage them to talk about it, to talk about fun memories they had with the lost loved one; anything you can do to get them talking and working through what hurts them. Help them verbalize their feelings and talk about how the loss is affecting their life.
Teenagers (13-17 years) - Teenagers are close enough to adulthood that they believe they've got everything figured out. During this period, they're likely to keep their mourning to themselves, believing it to be a burden they have to shoulder. If they've lost a parent, they may reach out to the other parent for comfort. They may also grow attached to the remaining parent, and may try to assume a role as a protector, constantly worrying about your well-being. During this stage kids begin to question the nature of life, as well, and may have philosophical questions about death. "Why do we die?" "What's the point of living if you're just going to die?" "Why did God take Mom?" These are understandable difficult to answer, and ultimately the teen will have to come to terms with these questions himself. Try to provide spiritual leadership, and talk to them every chance you get. Healing at this stage needs to be done as a family.

Death is a traumatic experience for anyone, but it is particularly hard on children. As innocents, they have not yet come to terms with the fact that the world is a hard place. They still believe in happily-ever-afters and good triumphing over evil, and things don't really work that way. It is your job to teach them this, and hopefully you can do it while maintaining as much of their innocence as possible.

Savvy Life Skill: Dealing with Success

tony — Sun, 23 Mar 2008 14:03:57 -0700

We all want our kids to be successful. We get them math tutors, drive them to summer drama camps, buy them fancy tennis rackets, and encourage them to study with the best violin teachers-- all so that they have no barriers to success. But experts (vying for this year's Ironic Parenting Tip Award) now believe that success might be hampered by . . . success! Yes, you read that correctly. According to some journalists and researchers, too much early success might be hurting recent college graduates' adjustment to working life. Many employers believe the newest generation of job seekers expects too much-high pay, interesting work, flexible schedules-and without paying their dues. A professor who studies this phenomenon, Dr. Mel Levine, believes that students aren't prepared for the workforce because parents and schools coddle them. Kids are sprinkled with achievements so much, so early, and so easily, and they believe that succeeding in the real world will be the same. You can help change this phenomenon. Not that you should discourage your kids from striving to achieve, but perhaps some of the following concepts will help you think about the proper balance between helping your kids succeed while ensuring that your kids' early successes don't hamper their long-term achievement.

Offer perspective. Parents are declaring their kid a genius because she learned to tie a double knot without being taught or received five more star stickers than any other student in second grade. Yes, we want to encourage our kids and congratulate them when they do well, so don't burn the stickers. But keep your celebrations and praise reasonable. If we turn an A on a spelling quiz into a three-ring circus, we shouldn't be surprised when our kids are disappointed at their first job when they successfully complete a task and no one comes running out with balloons, cake, and party hats.
Don't protect your kids from failure. Teachers and parents don't want anyone to feel left out, which is why there is a trend that every kid must be succeeding at everything all the time. For example, because high school graduation excludes non-seniors, many schools now celebrate graduation for every class. And sports leagues don't want to have losers, so they give trophies to every participant. But without occasionally being left out of a success or even [gasp!] failing, our kids will not appreciate success and will not learn how to deal with failure productively. Encourage your child to try things even if success isn't certain. If your son wants to play on the high school basketball team, get him to try out even if he probably won't make it. Convince him to take AP physics if he is interested, even if the class is supposed to be hard. The worst thing that can happen is getting cut from the team or a bad grade, which may even inspire him to work harder in the future. The best thing that can happen is a success he can feel great about.
Praise effort and mastery. Kids can be praised for innate abilities ("Great job getting that grade. You are so smart."), or kids can be praised for putting in the effort to master a skill or task ("Great job getting that grade. You really applied yourself and figured out the material."). Research shows that praising innate ability can actually decrease your child's motivation and perseverance. If a kid believes her success is due to her intelligence or natural gifts then she will feel that any result is beyond her control-either she is a good enough soccer player to make the team or she isn't. Further, this mindset means every challenge could expose an innate deficiency-no one wants to take a test where the result will determine whether or not they are talented or smart. These kids are more likely to avoid challenges and quit quickly. On the other hand, if a kid thinks success is due to hard work, then she will feel that she controls the outcome of any challenge, and will see failure as a mandate to work harder. These kids have much greater long-term success. Of course, you can still tell your kids they are smart or talented, but try to focus on how they applied themselves and mastered certain skills rather than just declaring them gifted little geniuses.
Create self-confident kids. Many parents worry that too much success might turn their kids into snobs or braggarts. We all know the guy we avoid at every cocktail party because he won't stop talking about his recent tennis victories, his kids' difficult choice between Harvard and Princeton, and how bonus season this year really worked out well. But excessive cockiness is not a sign of too much success. Rather, it is usually rooted in insecurity and lack of self-confidence. Develop your child's self-confidence by praising them appropriately and giving plenty of love and support. Don't push your kids too hard to succeed at everything or make them feel bad about failures. If you make your kids comfortable with themselves and discuss the importance of humility, they won't get a big head from success.
Success isn't everything. Many parents and kids get so caught up in achieving goals that they lose sight of many other important parts of life. Good grades aren't as important as learning, state championships aren't a substitute for happiness, and trophies don't excuse your child from being a decent human being. You want your kid to develop into a happy, healthy, confident, thoughtful, and likable person. Consider how success plays a role in that process, but don't let a thirst for achievement and awards overshadow those big picture goals.

Success is important, but if we make accomplishments very easy to obtain or consider every completed task a great triumph, success losses its value. And if we focus on success above all else, our kids might lose sight of more important goals. Instead, praise your kids for their accomplishments but offer perspective, demonstrate with your own life how success should be handled, and stress the value of hard work over natural ability. This solid grounding mixed with plenty of love and encouragement will be a great recipe for success both in childhood and beyond.

Savvy Life Skill: Dealing with Failure

tony — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 19:27:31 -0700

Regardless of how many parenting articles we read, how much emotional support we give, or how many teachers we bribe, our kids will have failures. Failures are a normal and important part of life, even for the most successful people. For example, Albert Einstein's ideas were wrong more than they were right, and Tiger Woods has lost many more golf tournaments than he has won. But luminaries like these thrive from failure. They use failures to inspire, to motivate, and to learn. The same can be true for our children. We cannot teach our kids how to avoid failures, but, by working on the following concepts, we can teach them how to fail productively and turn any setback into the fuel for achievement.

Failure is feedback on preparation. Teach your child that a failure is not a reflection of ability; it is only a reflection of preparation methods. For example, if your son studies for a math test for two hours a day, five days a week, yet gets a bad grade, then you and your son need to reevaluate his math studying regimen. Make it clear that the grade is not a sign of his intelligence or math skills. Instead the grade is simply an opportunity to solve a problem: what does he need to do to succeed on math tests? Perhaps he doesn't spend enough time on his daily homework to fully understand the concepts, perhaps he didn't study the right things for the exam, or perhaps it's simply hard material and he needed to study three hours a day rather than two. Make it clear that there is some solution that will work, and use the bad grade to motivate your kid to change bad habits, find new study methods, or work harder.
Any task can be solved with hard work. Research shows that if kids think success on a task is based purely on skill, they will give up easily, but if they think success is due to effort, they will persevere. This means, for example, if you explain to your daughter that grades are a reflection of intelligence, she will be discouraged after getting a bad grade on a test and think she is not smart enough for an A. But if you explain that grades are mostly a reflection of effort, then she will see a bad grade as a sign that she didn't work hard enough, and she will be inspired to try harder. Emphasize the importance of effort in succeeding on a task, and your kids will see failure as a challenge that they can meet.
Complement mastery. Research also shows that children who are praised for their effort will embrace challenges, while children who are praised only for their innate talents will avoid challenges and give up more easily. Is it your fault that your DNA created a little genius? Of course not. But still you should try to complement mastery rather than ability. For example, if your kid made the travel soccer team you should say, "Great job. You really practiced hard during the off season and that really paid off," rather than "I am proud that you are such a gifted soccer player."
Build self-confidence. Studies show that kids with high self-confidence believe that they can overcome a failure, so they are more likely to persevere. Help your kids develop self-confidence. Congratulate them on their successes and tell them specifically why you are proud. Specific complements are much more meaningful than general statements like, "Great work." With failures, try to focus on the positives and offer perspective. Emphasize that a failure is a small bump on their path to success. Finally, always encourage your kids and let them know that you truly believe they can succeed.
Don't fix it for them. Even though you want to help your children with failures, don't allow yourself to take over projects for them. If you start doing your kids' algebra problem sets and spend your weekends making dinosaur dioramas, you might help their grades, but you won't help them in the long term. Kids need to have the experience of failing and then later succeeding on their own to gain self-confidence in their ability to bounce back. So find ways to help your kids fix failures for themselves. Discuss possible solutions, give them encouragement, and be available to give advice, but let them see that with their own hard work they can be successful.
Explain that we have to make choices. A constant focus on success and failure can make kids' expectations unrealistic and make activities less fun. Your son may be valedictorian, captain of the football and wrestling team, an all-state Flamenco dancer, and get the leading role in every drama, but then he is upset when he doesn't get first chair violin in the school orchestra. Explain that you can't win at everything all the time, and that it is a worthwhile experience-and not a failure-to choose to do something just for fun without trying to be the best. Help your son think through his schedule and priorities to make realistic goals, so that he can succeed at what is most important to him.

Undoubtedly our children will struggle and fail. But we can teach our kids to use failures productively. Emphasize that failures are temporary challenges that offer an opportunity for problem solving. Encourage your kids and give them the belief that they can succeed at anything with hard work and perseverance. And be a good role model: no throwing your cards and quitting when your six-year-old beats you at Go Fish. By helping our kids learn to see failures not as an end but as a means, we can give our children one of the most important skills for success.

Other Links:
Stanford on Mindset research