Perspective

Play time or family time?

Philmundo — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 08:31:47 -0700

by Phil Stott

It's August, which means that, like Brett Favre, I'm once again going through the annual ritual of trying to decide whether or not to turn out for another season playing my sport of choice: soccer (football, where I'm from). For the past couple of years, I've been turning out on Sundays for my local men's league team in Long Island, and thoroughly enjoying the experience. Not only has it given me a link to my own culture following my move to the U.S., it's also provided me with something of a social circle, not to mention a means (and a reason) for staying in a reasonable condition physically.

I've been playing the game pretty much since I was old enough to walk, save for a two-year hiatus in my teens where I developed a knee condition brought on by-you guessed it-too much soccer, and it's pretty much been one of the major loves of my life. And, even at 30, I don't quite feel like I'm past being able to offer something to any team I could turn out for. Ideally, in fact, I'd like to go on playing for as long as my body will hold out.

So why think about quitting?

There's one major reason: family. As someone whose work life takes me away from home for 12 hours every day, I barely get to spend any time during the week with my daughter as it is, and nowhere near as much with wife as I'd like either. With a new soccer season due to start any time in the next month (the league I play in isn't the most organized affair I've ever been a part of-although that's part of the fun), I realized that I'm looking at signing up for another six months of being missing almost every Sunday. For home games that means three hours (including warm-up, half-time and the inevitable half-hour wait for the referee to show up), while for away games, it's not unusual for me to be out of the house for over five hours. Given that Maeve is only awake for around 24 hours in a weekend, being gone for between any of those seems like I'm wasting opportunities to spend valuable time with my child-time that I'll never be able to get back.

As I mentioned in my last post, I'm finding that making hard decisions is the difference between being a decent parent and a great one. Quitting a game I've known and loved for almost my whole life is one of the hardest decisions I think I've come across so far. Complicating matters is a discussion I had with my wife: when I raised the prospect of quitting, she told me she thought I was nuts. Her reason: "It's the one thing you've been doing ever since we met, and you've only got a few years left where you'll be able to play any more." Sad to say, but she has a point there.

And so, once again, I'm torn. Every time I think I've reached a decision one way ("it'll be good for me to spend more time with Maeve"), a perfectly valid counter-argument springs up from somewhere ("it gives me a reason to stay fit," or "it helps me get rid of the stress I build up during the working week.")

(By the way: anyone who's been reading Savvy Daddy for any length of time may recognize this kind of agonizing-I went through exactly the same thing, and dropped the same timely Brett Favre reference, last year. It doesn't make it any easier this time around.)

Perhaps the biggest complicating factor for me is that we're expecting a second child come February. That event will almost certainly spell the end of my career on the field, meaning that I'm torn between giving it up for good in advance, or having one final hurrah.

With just a few weeks left to make a decision, I'm at a stage where I'm flip-flopping every few hours, wrapping myself up in nightmares of point and counterpoint. Soon enough, I'm sure, I'll make a decision one way or the other that I'll have to stick to. At the moment, I'm leaning towards retirement, but who knows where I'll be by the time the season kicks off. Given that I've already started trying to get in shape-just in case-I could easily change my mind. After all, it'd be a shame to waste all those miles of running...right?

The Health Care Bill

Toby — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 05:56:28 -0700

Greetings Dads,
What is the deal with the healthcare bill? There is so much from both sides, I cannot digest it. http://tiny.cc/prAbe Any Dr., Nurse, Hospital admin, medical salesperson, etc that would like to share an opinion? Is it true those in Washington are rebuffing this plan for themselves to stay on their current plan? If it is so good for the people, why not for them? I do not want sides, I want information please.
This is one of the biggest votes in history and I want to make sure that we (and our politicians) have all the data. Again, please do not use this topic to post your political opinions, forget about Red and Blue states - we need to be UNITED! I, and other Dads, need to hear from those inside the Healthcare system so we can make the best decision for out families.
Thank you for your posts.
Cheers,
Toby

My Father's Day "Do-Over"

Philmundo — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 12:50:33 -0700

by Phil Stott

Do-over? Done.

Wow. Not even a week since I wrote about wanting a Father's Day do-over, and I've already had it. (In fact, as I write, it's not even a week since Father's Day.) Sure, my special day do-over lasted a mere two hours, and involved standing in a horrendously uncomfortable spot atop a bench in the middle of Manhattan, peering through a chain link fence, but it was one of the best breaks from my usual routine that I could have come up with. It also fulfilled almost all the rules I laid out in my previous post, in that it was centered around a sporting event, and allowed me to take a break from the stresses and routine of my everyday life. The only thing missing, in fact, was my couch!

The event: Showdown in Chinatown, a charity soccer game featuring some of the top players in world soccer, and several stars from the NBA. The time: right as I was supposed to finish work, meaning I had to sneak out early (another bonus for a "special" day-if it feels illicit, it heightens the enjoyment). The place: a shabby soccer field smack in the middle of Chinatown.

Now in its second year, the game is jointly organized by NBA star Steve Nash (who, it turns out, is almost as good with a ball at his feet as he is with one in his hands), and former US national soccer star Claudio Reyna. Also in attendance were the likes of Thierry Henry, fresh from winning the UEFA Champion's League (European soccer's premier competition-the equivalent of the Super Bowl) with Barcelona, Salomon Kalou of Chelsea, Mathieu Flamini of AC Milan, Inter Milan's Javier Zanetti, Dutch legend Edgar Davids, and several more luminaries of the game. From the basketball side, meanwhile, were the likes of Grant Hill, Tony Park, and a guy called Chris Bosh, who may well be a talented basketball player, but clearly hasn't ever used his feet for much more than standing on! (If you have any doubts, check out this video footage of the game, courtesy of the New York Post).

Now, I will confess that I was a little apprehensive about attending the game-and family was the main reason. My usual routine when I finish work is to jump on the subway, then transfer to my commuter train and head straight for home-a journey that takes around 90 minutes, and usually sees me home around 7:30, some 12 hours after I leave in the morning, approximately 15 minutes before Maeve goes to bed, and around 3 hours before my wife and I usually hit the sack. Any variation, therefore, means that I don't get to see Maeve before she goes to sleep, and really cuts into my time with my wife-things that I'm not willing to sacrifice without a very good reason. As it turns out, my list of reasons includes getting the opportunity to stand within six feet of some of the best soccer players on the planet!

Once I'd decided to go to the game-and cleared the decision with my wife-any feelings of guilt quickly disappeared, and the holiday feeling kind of took over. The soccer helped-despite the guys playing at half speed, there were some incredible skills on display-but it was more than that. Partly, it was the break from the routine; the feeling (one that I remember from before becoming a parent) that I had nowhere to be, and nothing to worry about except my own entertainment-even if it only for a couple of hours.

Partly, though, it was watching a bunch of some of the fittest, best-paid guys in the world having an absolute blast kicking a ball around like a bunch of kids, In doing so, I came to a couple of realizations: first, that most of the guys out there were younger than me, and making a living in a way I'd always dreamed of-a thought that came with not a little side order of regret. It was accompanied, though, with the additional realization that, while I might envy their abilities and lifestyle, I wouldn't trade it for my family life. Now if that isn't a lesson to take from Father's Day-or a do-over-I don't know what is.

Can I get a do-over for Father's Day?

Philmundo — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 18:52:03 -0700

by Phil Stott

Am I ever glad that Father's Day is over. Maybe it's because I live on Long Island, where the weather ruined just about every plan I could've made for the day (not to mention most of the month of June): not only did it prevent me from road-testing the new barbecue tools that showed up gift-wrapped in the morning, it also ruined the tradition I had going of watching the final round of the US Open. And, on top of all that, we had to make a trip to the mall. On a Sunday afternoon. To return stuff. Not the most fun that can be had on a day held in your honor, let me tell you.

Still, it's not like it was all bad. The lie-in was most appreciated, as were the gifts, the special breakfast (calories on top of calories, dusted with sugar, and some apple thrown in for the pretence of health), and the entire concept of the day, which my wife did her best to ensure was all about me (hence the tradition of watching golf all day-no way that'd fly any other day of the year!). My biggest problem was that no-one told Maeve. Far from treating the day as one where Dad gets to relax and put in some solid time molding his shape into the couch cushions, she took it as an opportunity to put her little personality into overdrive.

Sure, parts of it were cute: like the 30 minute journey to the mall, where she serenaded my wife and I with a song about how the muffins were all gone. (It went something like "muuufffffiiiiinnnn, muuuuffffffiiiiiinnnnn, mmmmuuufffffffiiiiiiinnnn, all gone"-not exactly Lennon and McCartney, but not bad for a 19-month old that hasn't so much as seen a muffin in over a week.) Parts of it, though, were downright awful. Like the high-pitched-and high-volume-screaming that seemed to start the second we got into the mall, and didn't end until we were home. And we're not talking a typical meltdown here either-it was more like a campaign of sustained psychological warfare; like she knew that what she was doing was pushing our buttons, and wanted to see how far she could take it. You could see it in her eyes, not to mention the way she'd stop just long enough for you to conjure up the possibility of a thought that wasn't solely about her screaming, and then let out another ear-piercer.

I don't rank Maeve as a particularly high-maintenance child, but there are days where, like most kids, she can be a little tougher than usual. Then there are days where it seems like there's nothing you can do to make her happy. Then there are days like Father's Day, where you wonder how anyone ever coined the old rhyme about girls being made of "sugar and spice and all things nice." Unless the spice is grade A chili, and "all things nice" includes some seriously sour vinegar, of course!

Because of all of that-and because I suspect I wasn't alone in actually having to be more of a proper hands-on Dad on Father's Day than on just about any other day this year-I'm declaring a whole new holiday aimed at a pretty specific sub-group. It's called the "Father's Day Do-Over," and can be taken in the event of the original holiday being a washout. Recommended activities include scheduling it around a can't-miss sporting event (I'm thinking the Wimbledon final, but that'll depend if my countryman Andy Murray makes it or not), and getting someone else to look after the kids for the day. Who knows, if it's a success, maybe I'll roll it out to include other holidays. While it typically wouldn't extend as far as second sets of gifts, it could definitely be invoked if you make the mistake of giving your wife a new iron or kitchen implement for Christmas or a birthday. And it would definitely be on the cards for Thanksgiving; who doesn't want the opportunity to add another food coma onto their calendar?

Out on the deck

Toby — Sun, 31 May 2009 06:22:49 -0700

Greetings Dads,
Although we live in MA, our (my) grill is fired all four seasons. There is nothing like cooking outside and over flame! This is not a forum to discuss charcoal vs. gas, but we can have that debate another time; rather, let's compile a list over our favorite grill meals. As with all cooking / menu creation, it is easy to get into a rut - this will provide some new ideas for all.
I will get the ball rolling:

1. Chicken drumsticks
Prior to the grill, set in a baking dish, cover with beer and cook in the oven for 45 min a 350. This will pull out some of the fat.
Grill over med heat turning every 4 min. Depending on your kids' taste, BBQ sauce on or on the side (Dinosaur BBQ, and Stubbs are 2 of my favorites).

2. Chicken Breasts
Easy to cook and can be prepped ahead. Use a gallon size ziplock bag and cover with your favorite sauce.
Teriyaki or Salt & Pepper with olive oil & lemon juice, Asian sweet chili sauce are 3 of my stand bys.

3. Burgers
Weather you craft your own, use Buba Burgers, or those from the butcher counter, a burger will always please. Don't forget the cheese:
Munster, Provalone, or Humbolt Fog (for mom and dad).

4. Fish in Foil
Take a whole fillet and make a pouch with some aluminum foil. Add some salt & pepper, lemon, wine or beer, favorite herbs and seal tights.
Cook skin side down on high, there is not need to flip. Time will depend on the thickness and fat content of the fish: trout will cook faster that Mahi Mahi.

5. Grilled veggies
Peppers, asparagus, tomatoes, heads of romaine lettus - use your imagination and go crazy with that side or salad.

Looking forward to your suggestions.
Cheers,
Toby

Chef Dads

Savvy Soldier Daddys

Toby — Sun, 24 May 2009 15:08:36 -0700

Thank you to all the savvy soldier daddys out there. For those protecting us, stay safe!

Welcome home to those who have returned. Enjoy the clip.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kerMm0HG1mk&feature=related Cheers, Toby

"Village" Life Disappearing?

Philmundo — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 07:08:14 -0700

by Phil Stott

So the Stott family are just back from exactly the kind of vacation I needed: lots of time spent on the couch; my parents, brother and sisters more or less fighting over who'd get to look after Maeve (freeing me up for more couch-time); and plenty of soccer on TV (well, it was Scotland, after all, although I'd get lynched for calling it anything but fitba' there). In light of all that, I'd expected to come back to work feeling refreshed, relaxed, re-just-about-everythinged, in fact. So why do I feel so bummed out?

Apart from the obvious answers of jetlag (exacerbated by Maeve's refusal to sleep en route), and the inevitable post-vacation comedown, there's another factor that's weighing heavily. Loosely summed up, it's to do with missing my family. Not in the pining for home kind of way-I've been away for long enough that that's not really a factor anymore-but rather for the idea of raising Maeve within a community, surrounded by an extended family.

It takes a village ...

If being in Scotland recently has taught me anything, it's that the concept of it taking a village to raise a child is greatly underestimated-especially in this day and age. Living around a thousand miles from our nearest relatives, my wife and I haven't necessarily missed having anyone around to help out with Maeve-but only in the sense that you can't really miss what you've never had. Having just spent a week at home with one half of her extended family, I've come to realize just how important it is for Maeve to know her relatives as she grows up.

Just to clarify (in case my parents are reading!), I'm not just talking about having people around to dump Maeve on when we feel like a break (as if we would!). No, what I'm trying to get at is that whole concept of having a community of people to look out for her, and who can give her attention and teach her things even when we don't have the time or energy. In just one week with her relatives, Maeve's vocabulary absolutely exploded, along with her willingness to actually use it. It also highlighted that Meghan and I had kind of fallen into a system where Maeve pointed and grunted at things while we did our best to interpret, continually coming up with suggestions until we guessed the right answer. My parents (veterans of five kids) refused to partake in the game, and exposed something we hadn't realized about Maeve-she knows the words but is often too lazy to use them!

That's exactly the kind of thing I'm realizing we're missing (and that isn't available even in places like daycare, where there are always other kids for the carers to worry about)-the opportunity for someone else to bring something out of your kid that might not otherwise have emerged just because of the routine you're used to.

... but not a global one

All told, it's little wonder that I'm feeling more than a little bummed after this vacation, what with the return to reality being made that much harder by the increased realization that we're kind of on our own out here in New York. And yet, we're not alone, if you get my drift. With people relocating all over the globe for work, it seems like the concept of traditional communities is breaking down all over the place. While there are positive sides to being a global citizen, I worry about Maeve not having the kind of roots that my wife and I both take for granted, or the opportunity to really get to know her family or where they come from. While I'm sure we'll all adapt to it-just as we've been adapting, as a society, for generations-I can't quite help but wonder what else we're losing as that concept of the village disappears. The global village might be a great place to find fulfillment on one level, but it sure can't raise a child like a local one can.

Fighting is Bush League

Toby — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 06:54:17 -0700

For the Wall street Journal - Great Lesson Here:

* Need a Real Sponsor here

* SPORTS
* APRIL 15, 2009, 3:09 P.M. ET

Why the Red Wings Don't Fight
In Detroit, Dropping the Gloves Is Out, Speed and Finesse Are In; Don Cherry's Lament

* Article
* Slideshow
* Comments (27)

Dads more confident than moms re: parenting?

tony — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 07:49:42 -0700

Can parents really "learn" how to parent, or is it innate? That is the question of this study and this NYT article. 3 interesting insights from this study:

1. Ironically, dads seem to be more confident about moms regarding parenting.

2. As a result, moms were more open to learn new parenting skills than dads.

3. Were dads so confident because they didn't even know what they didn't know? It's one of those things where: the more you know, the more you realize you don't know.

Kids and cell phones

Toby — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 06:31:34 -0700

This is a piece I found in the Boston Globe Magazine this morning and loved. Enjoy the read!

No Cell for You
She's 11. She can wait.

By Thomas O'Rourke | March 29, 2009

Our 11-year-old daughter enjoys researching her favorite cellphone styles and colors on the Internet. She actually believes (incorrectly) that she will soon be the proud owner of a pink Razr phone, which according to Overstock.com, is more than just a communications device. It's a statement about who you are.

Here's a statement about who she is.

She's a kid with no job and no ability to pay a phone bill. She's also a safe, hovered-over kid, with no emergencies to communicate. My reluctance to support this purchase is not just about the money, though I am cheap. Nor is it just about my annoyance at having my own phone. It has more to do with the trouble kids can get into with texting, surfing the Internet, taking and sharing photos, and generally walking through life with a phone permanently affixed to their ears.

It's not necessary and can only lead to requests for more. It's a slippery slope that follows the logic immortalized in Laura Joffe Numeroff's classic children's book If You Give a Moose a Muffin.

Here's my version. Give a girl a cellphone, she'll lose it and want an iPhone. Give her the iPhone, she'll want a matching iMac. Give her the iMac, she'll want a Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren ($495,000).

This also holds true for other requests, such as: If you tell your daughter she can pierce her ears when she's 12, she'll talk you down to 11. When the ears get pierced at 11, younger sis will bargain for 10. The 11-year-old will want to pierce other body parts, get a tattoo, wear Apple Bottom jeans and the boots with the fur, and have the whole bar looking at her. Soon, she'll be dancing around a pole at a gentleman's club. It's just a bad idea.

So no, my dear, you will not be getting a cellphone soon. But I'd be happy to read you If You Give a Pig a Pancake. And if you are ever in an emergency, just ask to borrow the cellphone of anyone around you. Everyone has one. As you frequently remind me, you are the only person on the planet who doesn't.