How to Handle Conflict With Your Toddler

You want your two-year-old son to stop biting. First you tried firmly explaining why it's not nice to bite. Then you tried time-outs. You tried yelling. You tried negotiating, begging, bribing, crying, counseling, drawing diagrams, and practicing voodoo, but still the other parents pull their kids off the playground when they see you two coming. Are you doing something wrong? Is your child half wolf? Is he destined for a lonely life of violence? No, no, and no. Your toddler is just being a toddler. They will behave inappropriately, and they will be a challenge. Yet you can learn to make toddlers lower stress and great fun. The following tips can help you not only manage your toddlers but enjoy them during this exciting stage of life.

1. Understand that your toddler is a toddler. Studies show that toddlers have no impulse control at 18-months, and they don't develop it fully until age 3. Without impulse control, there is nothing you can do to stop toddlers from screaming, hitting, throwing, and smashing-they literally can't help themselves. Further, you can't control that your toddler is going to be on an emotional roller coaster. One minute she might be talking, smiling, and cuddling, and the next she'll be in an all out red-faced, arms-flailing, I-wish-I-was-old-enough-to-know-swear-words rage. With little or no self-control, and wild emotional swings, discipline is often fruitless and winning battles of wills impossible. Your focus should instead be on adjusting your toddler's behavior without head-on conflicts.
   
   
2. Make a toddler-friendly environment. The best way to minimize conflicts with your toddler is to avoid environments where they are constantly tempted to do something wrong. If you take your toddler to a fancy French restaurant, don't be shocked if he doesn't remember that the salad fork is on the far left, that duck is best ordered medium rare, and that you aren't supposed to smush butter into the table cloth while shrieking "I want Big Bird!" If you limit the time that your toddler is not allowed to be a toddler, you will greatly reduce conflicts and stress.
   
   
3. Distract and divert. Your toddler decides that pulling a plant over sounds like fun. Your first thought: "I can stop her and face the mother-of-all-tantrums, or I can spend the afternoon cleaning potting soil out of the carpet." That's a tough choice, but another possibility that parents say works wonders is to "distract and divert." Rather than just yelling "no" and pulling her away from the plant, try to create a better option. First, get her attention, perhaps by calling her name, and then get her involved in something more fun than the plant, like her favorite toy or your funniest animal impersonation. Toddlers are highly distractible-and (almost more importantly) highly portable, so you could also simply swoop her up with a big kiss and say "let's go look at the doggie in the front yard." You might get a shriek-but she'll probably go along with the change of venue. Just find some way to get her excited with some new alternative so the plant becomes ancient history.
   
   
4. Redirect. Often toddlers are interested in mastering skills. They want to splash in apple juice to learn the properties of splashing; they want to toss blocks to learn about throwing; they want to flick their mashed potatoes because . . . well, let's be honest here, flicking mashed potatoes is fun. Try finding ways for your toddler to master the skills in less destructive or messy ways. If today is a block tossing day, try handing her a bean bag and play a tossing game. If she wants to start splashing apple juice, then quickly get her a bowl of water to splash. It's often the skill not the item that your toddler is most interested in.
   
   
5. Anticipate moods. In a perfect world, your toddler would say to himself, "I have been at the playground for several hours now. I am feeling a bit tired, and I bet that soon I may get into a bad mood and start hitting the next little twerp that tries to borrow my sand shovel. I think it would be best to inform Daddy that I've had my fill and that we should head home." Of course if this were the case, you would be out of a job. But this isn't how toddlers act. Instead, toddlers will play until they are exhausted. They won't remember when they are hungry, or sleepy, or ready for a break. Don't wait for the meltdown. Instead, you can preempt tantrums and conflicts with a regular schedule of meals, naps, playtime, breaks, and quiet activity. Further, you may learn certain warning signs, like eye rubbing, that mean a meltdown is eminent.
   
   
6. Set clear limits and keep them. Although you want to minimize conflicts, you won't be able to avoid them. Toddlers will want to do things that simply aren't allowed, and you will have to stop them. For example, your toddler may not want to hold your hand or be carried when you are near streets, or he might really enjoy biting. Too bad. These are limits, and you should keep them, regardless of how big a tantrum you get in response. Don't worry if your toddler doesn't seem to immediately get your rule and throws a tantrum every time the limit is encountered. If you stand your ground, explain the rule, and stay consistent, your child will learn, as he matures, what is simply not allowed.

Most importantly, have fun. It's a challenging time but you won't be cleaning Cheerios off the floor forever, so try to take your toddlers' behavior in stride. If you minimize the chance of conflicts, set strong limits on what's important, remember that your toddler is still only a toddler, and keep a good sense of patience and humor, you can enjoy being an important part in perhaps the most fascinating years of your child's development.