Savvy Life Skill: Dealing with Anger

Some unsuspecting playmate takes your son's Aquadoodle without his permission.  Suddenly he goes into an arms-flailing, flesh-chomping, Lego-throwing rage that would make Mike Tyson or Tony Soprano blush.  Should you check your Gerber for traces of ‘roids?  Perhaps schedule a visit to your doctor, psychiatrist, or exorcist?  Of course not.  Kids, like adults, will get frustrated and angry-it's a normal part of the human spectrum of emotions.  And it isn't all bad!  In fact some controlled anger can be beneficial in small doses: it can increase energy, focus, and motivation.  However, excessive or uncontrolled anger is harmful.  If your kids don't learn to control their tempers, they could lose friends, get disciplined at school, and even cause damage to property or people.  In addition, chronic ragers have greater risks of certain health problems, like high blood pressure and heart disease.  And, of course, an angry person is not a happy person.  Because we can't expect our kids to stop getting frustrated or angry, we should instead teach them to control their anger and deal with its underlying causes.  By working with our kids on the following concepts, we can help them learn to deal with frustration appropriately, limit unconstructive angry outbursts, and, as a result, have greater happiness and success in school, work, relationships, and life.

1. Teach your children to recognize anger.  The first step for controlling anger is awareness.  By talking to your kids about how anger makes them feel, they can learn to recognize anger in themselves before it takes control.  In addition, it is helpful to avert tantrums and talk about what your kids are feeling before the anger gets full blown.  Do this by watching for the tell-tale signs of a coming fit, such as shouting, crying, rolling on the floor, or flashing gang signs, and then alert your kid to his rising anger and require some cool-down time.   Later, talk about how he felt when he was getting wound up.  And when your kids do recognize their feelings and say something like "I am feeling angry," then heap on praise for the self-awareness.
   
   
2. Make it clear that tantrums aren't ok.  Explain to your kids that they cannot throw fits or use anger to achieve their goals.  Of course, never reverse yourself in order to soothe a fit unless you want to teach your kid that anger is an effective mode of getting her way.  If anger produces behavior that requires punishment, you should clearly explain how you expect your child to exercise self-control.  For instance, after your daughter goes Ike Turner on her sister, explain "I am not putting you in time out because you wanted to play with your sister's hoola hoop.  We all could have talked about that.  I am punishing you because you swatted your sister when you didn't get your way.  That is an unacceptable behavior that you can control."
   
   
3. Find ways to cool off.  Studies show that both lashing out and bottling up anger can harm psychological health, and that the best way to deal with anger is to state a goal calmly and assertively.  To do this, it is often necessary to take a minute to calm down.  Encourage your kid to remove himself from anger-producing situations, and work on relaxation techniques to reduce the intensity of his anger.   Some popular cool-down methods include exercising, playing with a favorite toy, deep breathing, or discussing the problem.  After cooling down, your child can work calmly to fix the situation that frustrated him.
   
   
4. Show your children how to accomplish goals without anger.  Anger is often just the byproduct of not being able to accomplish some goal.  Teach your kids effective ways to get what they want, such as assertiveness, negotiation, and problem solving so they don't get to the point of frustration.  If some situations always make your kid angry-like when playmates come over and want to use her toys-see if there ways to avoid the situation altogether, like putting away the toys that she just simply can't stand to share.
   
   
5. Teach your kids to let anger go.  Anger most hurts the person who holds it, so help your kids learn to let anger go.  Let's say someone makes fun of your son's macaroni Eiffel Tower at arts and crafts camp.  Clearly this is an insult that would rightfully anger even the thickest of skins.  But once the event has occurred, thinking angry thoughts or planning retaliation during sock puppet class tomorrow is not going to solve any problems and is going to keep your son riled up and miserable.  Help your kids learn to drop their anger when it is not constructive.  If they are mad at someone, suggest avoiding the person, but remind your kids that it will make them feel best to forgive and forget.
   
   
6. Model good anger management techniques.  Study after study shows that kids will model parents' anger management techniques.  If you are driving with your kid in the car and you stick your head out the window to tell a fellow driver what you think of their driving style, you can bet your son will be running around the playground flipping people the bird and calling them "ship heads" in no time at all.  Instead demonstrate good behavior and say, "I am feeling really angry, and screaming isn't going to get me out of this traffic, but it will make the ride more unpleasant," and your son will learn an important lesson.  

No matter how many Dr. Phil reruns you make your kid watch, she will occasionally get furious.  Help her learn to recognize her anger, calm herself down, and navigate a sometimes frustrating world without melting down or harboring resentments.  By getting involved, discussing anger management techniques, and being a good role model you can help your kids lead a more successful and healthy life and, hopefully, avert some bruised feelings-and shins-along the way.