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How do I get my wife to come to grips that she's not strict enough?
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I love my wife and all, but she is totally missing it with our 3-year-old daughter (we'll call her Eva). She lets Eva get away with whatever she wants. She rarely does anything we ask her to. She hasn't really ever faced any time-outs or punishments of any kind. When we're leaving somewhere (like the mall), she won't follow us out. We have to physically yank her away and hold her down to get her out the mall and into the car.
I keep telling my wife that we have to lay down the law, but she keeps saying things like, "oh, she'll learn when school starts" or "she didn't get a good nap today" or some other lame excuse like that. I keep telling her that kids this age already know how to follow directions. They know how to play with others (usually). And some of them already have pretty good manners. I just don't think we've been strict enough with her. When we go to birthday parties or other classes (like gymanstics), it's so obvious that the other kids are so much better behaved. I don't mean to compare, but it's just so obvious.
What do you guys think? Am I way off base here? How do I get my wife to stop making excuses for our daughter misbehaving all the time?
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use language to offest resistance
There are times when you need to "lay down the law" (as you said), but more often with 3 year old kids it's far easier to use creative tools to get them to go along with what you want. By doing this you get them into an unconscious pattern of doing what you ask them to do while avoiding fights.
I have an entire course on this. Here is the free lesson and here is the entire course on dealing with the terrible twos and beyond
Chris
Re: How do I get my wife
I am probably more like your wife than you - I dont like 'disciplining' my kid either. She's almost 3 and we have had our share of issues, but we reached an 'aha' moment a few months ago when we realized that we weren't really practicing good behavior with our daughter enough for her to get the point. For example, I saw on a blog somewhere that some parents have 'tablecloth dinners' at home - they set dinner up as if they were out at a restaurant, and deal with bad behavior at home. All too often we just expect our kids to get it without teaching them properly first. My wife and I were embarrassed by her behavior once when we were out to dinner with friends, but she was pretty much just behaving the way we let her behave at home. Practicing at home has really helped. I have taken her to the mall when I have had absolutely nothing to do there, to let her explore and enjoy her time. I told her it was time to go (after about 30mins), and of course she didnt want to so I gave her 5 more minutes to do whatever she wanted and then said it was time to go home. After that, I simply explained that I gave her extra time, and that Mommy was waiting for us, and that we should go. She agreed which blew me away. Now whenever we go, I tell her how much time she has left and she objects a little but it's nothing like before.
Re: How do I get my wife
we got to the same point with the eating out thing. Definitely can't expect them to behave at a restaurant if they're running around during dinner at home. I like the "tablecloth dinner" idea!
Setting boundaries for our
Setting boundaries for our children is really important, and however you wish to parent, you need to be on the same page as your wife. Ask your wife if she's ignoring any sort of discipline because:
She believes in letting your daughter have no (or very few) rules - there is a case for this.
She's lazy and doesn't care?
Something else?
If your wife really thinks that your daughter will learn by the time school starts, she's probably wrong. Some children need structure more than others to interact with their peers or teachers. If your daughters behaviors are not coalescing toward those behaviors (and most kids' don't), you should realize that you need to take action.
I'd suggest you and your wife choose a parenting book to read and discuss. This link looks like a great resource.
Just remember, being a parent is hard work. You can't ignore things.
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