Whaddya say when....
Since there seems to be something a trend toward larger families and women continue to make well deserved gains in the workplace, I can't be the only dad who has been out with his flock and had some Mom of one offer advice.... To make it more aggravating, I've only been the domestic one and the bulk of the child care tends to fall my way if only out of sheer logistical convenience as I work from a home office. I'd like to think I'm at least mildly competent at it by now!
So we're ambling through the park on the way to who remembers what after a parade or walking through some festival or who even knows since the days tend to run together worse than this sentence. I must have had at least four of them (I have six, looking forward to a new arrival in September...).. probably a couple walking too far ahead, one in a stroller and probably another on my back. (and I swear this true!) A mom of what appeared to be exactly one stops me and tries to give me advice about how one of them was positioned in either the pack or the stroller..
My reply? In as nice a tone as I could muster, I said, "well, the one up top is number six and I ain't broke one yet..." Funny, she didn't even respond....
Wonder if sheer numbers matter
I do think though that the perceptions of a mom who has a fleet of her own are completely different. The fact that we're out there at all playing at best a prevent defense and that they know what that's like colors the response. I can't recall ever getting similar comment from a mom toting three or four of her own which has always led me to think it is mostly tied to having one child rather than the battle of the sexes.
You're certainly dead on though that in general, perceptions are changing and more dads are in the mix or are even the primary caretaker .. I've actually got more the opposite situation here .. they're all mine when they are tiny and require a lot of work .. once she can "schedule them and herself out and about"', they spend much more time with her. Coincides pretty closely with the time in their life when dad's rather conservative view of parent infringes on their desire to do whatever the heck they please!!
What can you say?
I've run into similar situations and for similar reasons. I tend to be the primary caretaker for the big kids while my wife takes care of the baby. I have two stepkids and three kids of my own, so we have a pretty big footprint when we go out, too.
I've gotten a lot of ugly looks when I wear a little kid in a sling (some women actually come up to me and tell me the kid is going to fall out), and I've gotten the occasional advice about putting a hat on a kid when it's chilly out. I get lots of ugly looks when I let my girls play in a big dirtpile out by my stepson's soccer field when he has a game. I think there are a couple of things at work here. For my part, I automatically feel like I'm being judged because I'm parenting in my own style, using my own parenting instincts as a man and not trying to emulate the way the stereotypical woman would parent. I don't show the outward social cues that women associate with being a good mom, so they assume I'm not watching the kids, or don't care, or whatever. And that, I know, puts me in a mindset of assuming that every mom out there is judging me against a set of rules I don't necessarily follow. Which is a long way of saying that I'm hypersensitive to looks and comments from moms.
On the other hand, I think that the general impression is that a man out alone with his kids is a weekend dad, or a dad that's doing a once a month favor for his wife by getting the kids out of the house. I do think that impression is changing, and I see more and more dads out there alone with their kids, but I think it will persist for a few more years yet. It's possible that these women who offer unsolicted advice are genuinely trying to be helpful, and since they have no way of seeing the internal vigilence I keep over my kids; the constant awareness of where they're going, what they're doing, and how they're feeling; they assume the worst and act to protect a child who they perceive to be in danger. My wife has gotten crap from random women at the grocery store before, too, so it's not even limited to men (she had her baby in the refrigerated section of the grovery store without a hat on. Apparently, the woman thought the child would catch a cold. By being cold.).
As for what I actually do, I usually ignore the looks (once I verify that I'm really not doing something stupid), and the comments get either a "thanks" and rapid ignoring, or "well, I haven't killed one yet".
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